All I need is...

...just a little patience. I really wish I would have had the blog set up a week ago. Things were going so well a week ago and I could have started off on a good note. Jayna was sleeping well, eating decently and I had a shred of sanity left. It seems that she's settled into her new home and knows what she can expect, so she expects it. Did that make any sense?? To me it did.

A week ago I was saying things like, "We have a newborn that makes parenting look easy." and, "Even if things start going not so well, I think I could handle it because things have been going so well so far. I feel as if I've built up a momentum. I'll be able to look back to these good times and have hope." I haven't said anymore of those things since last Thursday.

Starting last Thursday, I learned what cluster feeding is. I've learned what comfort feeding is. I've learned that sometimes newborns just want to be held and they don't really give a damn that you have things you'd like to get done. They don't care that you try and schedule people to come over in between feedings (because then they'll change your schedule FOR you). They don't care that you need dinner and a shower. And they don't care that you need a few hours of uninterrupted sleep at night so you can function the next day to take care of them. They just don't care.

And why should they?? They don't know. Jayna is just as new at this as I am. I don't know what she wants. She doesn't know what I want. Hell, I don't think she even knows what SHE wants sometimes. Now I find myself saying things like, "What do you want from me?!?" "Please just sleep a couple of hours." and (to Chris) "I thought you were going to have to take me to the hospital last night because I thought I was having a panic attack/nervous breakdown." Oh, how quickly things can change.

The truth is that I NEVER expected parenting to be easy. I expected to have my patience tested to the very core, my body deprived of sleep and my mind robbed of all rational thinking. And all of those things have happened...but to a degree that I never even knew existed. I didn't expect things to be THIS difficult. I didn't expect that breastfeeding would be so difficult that I would cry over it almost everyday. I didn't expect that I would want to transition my newborn to her crib at 10 days old because she makes so much noise that I can't sleep even when she's sleeping. I didn't expect that I'd worry about other people holding her even when I'm sitting next to them. And I NEVER expected that all of this would happen and I'd still have an undying love for something that I've only really known for 11 days. She looks at me as if to say, "I'm sorry mommy. I'm only a baby and I'm trying my best." and I forget all the difficulty. My lack of sleep becomes a second wind. My tested patience becomes a feeling of love that starts and my toes and washes over my whole body and soul and my irrational thinking becomes an overwhelming sense of responsibility that I just KNOW that I am capable of providing for this child.

Not all posts will be negative. I'm not even sure that this post is totally negative. I just needed to get some things out. Please be patient with the setup of this blog. I don't really have the time to set it up right now, but I know some of you are atleast waiting for content. Here it is. And more to come.