Taboo

I had decided last week that I wasn't going to write about this. My decision was based on the fact that what I had to say was NOT good...and if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. I have since changed my mind because I'm a big believer in the truth, good or bad. And this is the truth.

Why aren't women encouraged to talk about all the the bad feelings they have after having a baby? I know that we are encouraged to "seek help" if our baby blues last for longer than a few weeks. I know that we are encouraged to take the depression and anxiety medication if we so choose. I know that we are encouraged to walk away from baby if we are having a particularly trying moment. But why aren't we encouraged to vocalize all of those thoughts that make us sound like horrible mothers when we do vocalize them??

Last Wednesday was a particularly bad day for Jayna and I. Things only got worse after I wrote my last blog entry. By the time Chris got home from work at around 5pm, Jayna was in her room asleep with the door closed and I was sitting on the couch crying my eyes out. I was so completely overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, frustrated...just plain upset. I wanted my old easy life back. I wanted to be able to go to work, come home and do whatever I pleased at whatever time I pleased. My old easy life at it's most difficult was WAY easier than my new crappy life...you know, the one where I have this little person who demands more of me than I can give, who expects things from me that I'm unsure or sometimes unaware of, who makes me feel like a complete failure as a mother, a provider, a human being...and has no idea that she's doing it. I didn't want to look at her. I didn't want to hear her. I just wanted to be alone. Without a baby attached to me. Without any obligations. And that just wasn't going to happen.

Chris took one look at me and knew things had gone horribly awry since he had seen me at lunchtime. By the time he got home, I was trying to choke back the tears so that he wouldn't ask questions and want me to go see a doctor. I was being stubborn. I wouldn't really talk about anything. I just wanted to cry and run away. He got me a beer, got the baby monitor and took me outside to the back porch for a long talk.

He asked me what I was thinking and I wouldn't talk. I was terrified that if I told him all of the thoughts I was having that he wouldn't want me taking care of our child anymore. How could I have any feelings other than love for this miracle that I gave birth to? Even I was baffled. I finally opened up and told him about wanting the easy life back. I told him that the reason she was in her room sleeping instead of in the living room with me was because I couldn't stand to look at her anymore. I didn't want to deal with her. Just for a few minutes. And then I told him that I felt like a horrible monster because I felt that way. I thought about what my life would be like without Jayna here and that made me more upset than anything. And he DIDN'T hate me after I told him all of this.

He must be the most understanding and patient person on earth. He listened and told me that I should vocalize those kind of things, even if it is just to him. He knows I'd never hurt Jayna and that I love her more than life itself. But being with her 24/7 is so completely overwhelming and I'm allowed to take a break every now and then. It was very refreshing to hear that he didn't think I was a terrible mother.

After telling him all of my thoughts, I felt an enormous weight lift off of me. Just because I talked about it. I didn't take any drugs. I didn't go see a doctor. I simply vocalized my thoughts. It was difficult to say the least, but so very worth it. Why do new mothers bottle these thoughts? It only makes things worse. And now I know this firsthand. And in the famous words of Jack Johnson, "you don't always have to hold your head higher than your heart." Let your heart do the talking. Sometimes it needs to speak.