FYTMI: On Toddlers and Toilets

This originally started out as a Five on Friday post.  After I wrote the first bullet point and saw A. how long it was and B. how long it would take y'all to digest such a story and C. how HILARIOUS it is, I decided this story could stand on it's own.  And really...who doesn't love a good poop story?

**If you have a weak stomach, you may want to skip this one.  FYTMI means For Your Too Much Information.  And this probably is slightly over that line. :)**

On Wednesday night, I experienced what I've deemed on Facebook as The Great Poop Massacre of 2012.  I thought maybe I'd elaborate. 

The newest phase for Jayna is that she just wants to play.  She doesn't want to eat.  She doesn't want to sleep.  She doesn't want to take a bath (unless it's a bubble bath and she can play in there).  She doesn't want to pee.  And she DEFINITELY doesn't want to poop.  It isn't because she's afraid or because it hurts or anything.  It's because she Just. Wants. To play.  It takes entirely too long for her to go to the bathroom...she's afraid she'll miss her favorite song on her Disney Princess Songs CD or her "friends" (the imaginary and infamous Babe, Boppy and Cici) will mess up her room while she's in the bathroom.

Anyhoo, all of this causes the problem of Jayna waiting until THEVERYLASTMINUTE to go to the bathroom.

She was playing in her room and I was getting ready to start cooking dinner.  She came running into the kitchen holding her butt (because, you know, THAT will keep the poop in) and screamed, "MOMMY!!!  I have to poop RIGHT NOW!!"  And since I knew the urgency of the situation, I skipped asking her all the obvious questions such as, "Why did you wait this long?" and "Didn't you have to PASS the bathroom to come tell me this?" and "Do you REALLY think holding your butt will keep poop in?"  You know, all the burning questions parents have regarding a situation such as this one but you don't ask because you know you'll get many many baloney answers.  Such as, "Yes, holding my butt will keep the poop in because when I hold the top of a balloon, the air stays in."  (That is a true life real answer.  Because while she was going to the bathroom, I asked her.  And that was her answer.  I should've known not to actually ask.) 

I digress.

We got to the bathroom, got the potty seat on top of the toilet and the stool in front of the toilet.  She stood up on the stool and JUST before she sat down..........................she exploded.  All over the seat, lid, tank, WALL, vanity, side of the bathtub...EVERYWHERE.  And she still had more to go.  How do you make a kid stop pooping so you can clean?  Umm...you can't.  Trust me here.  I tried.  You just have to clean up around her and let her just finish. 

So I got the cleaner.  I usually use a homemade cleaner made of borax, water, vinegar, Castille soap and essential oil.  I...well, let's just say I didn't trust it for this particular situation.  I broke out the Clorox Cleanup for this one.  I began to clean the things furthest from her.  The WALL.  The exterior of the BATHTUB.  The side of the VANITY.  The things that DEFINITELY shouldn't have poop on them.  And then she was done.  Luckily, none of the explosion had made it's way onto her at this point.  So I sat down on the side of the bathtub to wipe her. 

As she stood up, some...loose stuff...dripped down onto her stool and she stepped in it.  She immediately noticed that there was something wet on her foot.  I kept going because I didn't want to alarm her.  But she noticed and said, "Mommy, there is something wet on my foot."  (She also immediately stepped on her OTHER foot with the contaminated foot...so now not ONE but TWO poop feet.)  I replied that she should let me finish and then we would take care of her foot.  It should be said that she couldn't see her feet at the time.  When I was rotating toilet tissue, she caught a glimpse of her feet. 

And all hell broke loose.

"MOMMY!!!!!!! MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I HAVE POOP ON MY FOOT.  AHHHH!!!!!!!  I HAVE POOP ON BOTH MY FEET!!!  GET IT OFF!!  GETTTTTT IIIITTTTTTT   OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!"

She jumped off of her stool and started dancing around the bathroom...WITH POOP ON BOTH HER FEET...like a girly girl who just saw a bug.  She was screaming at the top of her lungs and holding both sides of her dress up with her hands and just kept dancing All. Over. The bathroom. 

I clearly needed to do something.  But I was trying not to laugh, cry and vomit all at the same time.  And I really didn't know what to do. 

So I did the FIRST thing I could think of that would isolate her.  I picked her up and stood her in the bathtub.

Good one, moron.  Now there's poop INSIDE the bathtub too.

After right around 40 minutes, I had a poop free child.  It was another 45 before I had a poop free bathroom.  I also had what I believe to be severely damaged lung tissue from breathing in all those bleach fumes. 

I took EVERY fabric and washable thing out of the bathroom and washed it in hot water.  I threw away the mat that goes into our bathtub.  We were getting ready to do away with it anyway.  We had it for when Jayna was little and we were afraid of her slipping in the tub.  Well, she's almost 4 and she bounces now. :)

I of course immediately posted the situation to Facebook.  I mean, what else was I supposed to do?  I wanted to make sure to tell potential parents about The Poop Massacre.  It's important for people to know what they're getting into.

I don't have a weak stomach.  And this one wasn't really that bad.  It doesn't even hold a candle to the night she puked in seemingly every room of our house.  But there is just something about having THAT MUCH POOP all over the place that is slightly disconcerting.  And by slightly, I mean to the umpteenth degree. 

I may need therapy. 

Anyone know a good psychiatrist who doesn't mind talking about poop?