Stream of Consciousness on a Sleepless Night

My original title was "Train of Thought."  Since I was around half asleep for most of these thoughts, it didn't seem appropriate that I'd call it that.

We returned from Washington DC tonight.  We've been home since around 12:30am and once again I'm wide awake.

I think people don't believe me when I say I don't sleep.  No, seriously.  I don't sleep.

I've just recently shimmied my way out of the arms of a man who actually WANTS me to be there when he sleeps.  The problem with that is that I'm a lone sleeper.  I like to not be touched when I sleep.  Atleast that WAS the case years ago.  I looked forward to sleeping because I was completely alone.  No one lying there beside me expecting me to be there.

And now I have NO idea how to sleep alone.  I sometimes retreat to the couch when I can't sleep in hopes of letting Chris sleep uninterrupted without my tossing and turning.  And I find it difficult to even fall asleep without his breath in my hair or his hand on my shoulder.

I find it overwhelming.  That someone actually RELIES on me to be there when I'm sleeping.

If that's weird, then I don't want to be normal.

I can NOT be the only person who feels this way.  What happened to the carefree days of no one relying on you for anything?!?  Well, they're gone.

My husband relies on me for many things, but not life-or-death things.  My child DOES rely on me for life-or-death things.  You know...food, shelter, safety, etc.  My family relies on me for atleast something.  But it's still relying.

I haven't experienced this sort of insomnia since I was in college.  When I was trying so desperately to find my place in this world.  Who am I?  Why am I here?  What is my purpose?

Those questions actually seem incredibly trivial when I think about what I mean to these people.  They show me in small, but very MEANINGFUL ways, what I mean to them Every. Damn. Day. 

And I take them for granted.

I LOVE these people.  I couldn't get along in life without them.  They are my lifeline, my wellbeing, my....LIFE.

What is life without love?  Well, my friends, it's shit.  Trust me. 

So, as I sit here, awake at 3:27am while all of my lifelines are asleep and resting their heads, I leave you with this:

Party on, dudes. And be excellent to each other.

Even if you ARE a lone sleeper, feel the breath in your hair and appreciate that someone wants you there by his side.  Appreciate that a child doesn't only rely on you for dinner, but for guidance on how to live a life well lived.  And, for goodness' sake, HUG YOUR PARENTS.  They are, in fact, the reason you're here. 

Insomniacs unite.  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.