Having a child changes everything. EVERYTHING. People tell you this when you are pregnant or thinking of becoming pregnant, but as I've said many times before, one cannot fathom this change until one is completely immersed in said change, thus making it too late to turn back. Being a parent is difficult. It's overwhelming. It's wonderful. Exhausting. Frustrating. Rewarding. So many adjectives and so little time...
So, who watches Grey's Anatomy? I do. I love it. I love the characters and the story lines. I love that the characters are screwed up and screwed up in a way that is *usually* believable. Screwed up in the way that I'm screwed up. Screwed up like real life. Remember, I said *usually.* But I digress. The issue of the characters and their believable or unbelievable mental instability is trivial at this point. I'm here to talk about something specific about the episode that aired last night. (All of this will tie together. Just bear with me. Remember, I'm the forgetful and unfocused mom of a 5-month-old...)
There was a little boy on last night's episode and he was...dying. He needed organs. He was dying. I do have the tendency to become so engrossed in Grey's that I forget that it isn't real life. I'm pretty good at bringing myself back to reality pretty quickly, though. Not last night. All the while that this little boy was waiting for his organs, his mother continually would say things such as, "NOOO Jackson! You can't go yet. You can't leave mommy!!" There was a scene where the little boy was hanging on by only a thread and the doctors called in his mother to basically say goodbye. She went into the room and said something to this effect, "It's okay, Jackson. You can go now. Mommy won't be mad. It's okay now." And the tears flowed down my face.
Suddenly...all at once...I saw Jayna lying there on that bed and I was by her side. What the hell would I do?!? How would I handle a situation of this magnitude? How could I even go on living? Wouldn't the pain and heartache kill me right on the spot? Couldn't I give her my organs? She's so small and new and I've lived for awhile. She has so much to offer to the world and I am expendable. Certainly there is some way that I can help...that I can control this situation. Why is this happening to her? To me? I can't even imagine how I'd deal with something like that.
I cried. And cried. And checked on the baby. And cried. It was horrible. I couldn't shake the feeling that I would be a complete and utter basketcase...I wouldn't want to go on living.
It finally hit me this morning that all I can do is live each day and love her. It's really out of my hands. I must trust the natural order of things...and I can't control that...DRAT!!
I apologize for the sadness. The grim. The bleak outlook. But these are the kinds of things that parenthood throws at you. And you must face them. Turning a blind eye just makes them go away temporarily...they always come back.
2 comments:
I know how you feel. Acutally, I've had to stop watching things like that. (It happened to me the first time during Ghost Whisperer.) A show about freaking ghosts!! Even three years later, Ellie often gets woken up when i have to go lay in her bed and hold her because some tv show made me sad!
as the mother of a child with a chronic illness i can assure it never feels any better. each episode is as heartbreaking as the first...gut wrenching. a pain that nothing else compares to. all you can do is love her each and every moment!!!
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