It's not you...it's me.

I've had many a conversation lately about breaking up with friends. It seems to me (maybe because it's been so long since I had to break off an intimate relationship) that breaking up with friends is *way more difficult* than breaking up with boyfriends/girlfriends. And I seem to have many people who agree with me about that.

I don't have many friends. On one hand, I like it that way. I like only having a select few people that I need to worry about and keep tabs on. On the other hand, it seems that I need more friends at certain points in my life...like now. Right now it seems that I need a GIANT support system...consisting of friends who care about me and what I'm going through just as much as I care about them and their junk. And this support system that I need seems to be absent.

I used to burn bridges like I was actually trying to be alone my whole life. I've since reevaluated things and I've learned that it is not beneficial to write off people so quickly. People make mistakes. They sometimes make lots of mistakes. They sometimes regret those mistakes and let you know and then the two of you move on in the same direction. They sometimes do not regret those mistakes and the two of you move on in different directions. And that's when the bridge becomes useless.

I asked Chris last night what was wrong with me that no one wanted to be my friend. I know, so third grade, right? But it's true. No, I haven't been the greatest friend since I had Jayna. I've been preoccupied and busy and not so fun to be around. But that's when I need people. I have stuck it out with my friends who were preoccupied and busy and not so fun to be around. Even when they were mean to me, I took that as a cry for help...and I was right nine times out of ten. But now I need the help and where are they?

I do have a select few people who continue to check in on me even though I'm sad and boring and not fun...and distant. And for them, I am grateful. It's those people who help me get through the rough times of the HUGE life change of becoming a parent and, in turn, losing my "self" and becoming someone who is relied upon to keep another human alive and happy. This change has been very harrowing for me and without those few people, I'd have jumped off of a cliff by now.

I realize that everyone is busy. Everyone is going through life changes. And I care. I really do. I call and call and no one answers and then when I do finally get into contact with someone I get the "We should really get together. I"ll call you soon to work out a time," and then I don't hear from that person for 3 months. And then I get that same line..."We should really get together..."

Am I not trying hard enough? I call. I email. I facebook, myspace, text...how many times do I contact someone and get no response or a lame response before I let that person go?

How do I break up with a friend? How do I let go of those people who have used and abused and ignored and disappointed me for so long? Is that even possible? Well, Google thinks it is...and if it is possible, how do I go about it?

And then how do I make new friends? I can't just go to a bar, find a nice couple and say, "Do you want to be friends with my husband and I?" I think I'd be conveying the wrong idea there if you know what I mean. Google was a little less helpful there...

As I've been told time and again, I'm probably making too much out of all this. I'm just really tired of feeling used and ignored. It's frustrating and exhausting. Friends are supposed to make me feel good...

I miss having a group of friends. When I lived in Bloomington, I had a group of people that I did things with and talked to and confided in and it was a give-and-take situation. I liked that. I just don't know how to get it back again. Help? Anyone?