Mmmm...pickles.

****NOTE: This is a vent. It isn't meant to hurt any feelings. This is my blog and these are my feelings.****

So, I thought about not writing this entry and just writing it in an email to a friend so that I don't offend anyone or hurt any feelings. And then I thought to myself, "Self, maybe others have been in this exact position...maybe someone has some useful advice." And the fact of the matter is that I often write lengthy blog entries and then don't publish them in fear of offending someone. I'm pretty sure that ends today.

What do you do when you want to seriously rip someone a new one and you just *know* that it's the wrong thing to do? I mean I try to overlook things. I try to look at just the facts. But I'm expected to only see the facts that I'm presented with instead of ALL the facts...even the bad ones that make me want to rip said "someone" a said "new one."

I am broke. Seriously. I have a small emergency fund that I treat as zero dollars. I don't touch it. I have a savings account for Jayna that I REFUSE to touch. This money would be sooo very helpful right now BUT...what if something happens and I need that money? Can I go without fast food for awhile...I mean REALLY (not just say it) go without fast food for awhile so that I can keep this money hidden from extraneous and needless things? YES I CAN. Because I have self control.

Chris and I don't go out anymore. We went to the bar yesterday for the baseball game THAT GOT RAINED OUT and spent 25 bucks or something. We haven't been out in almost a month. I think 25 bucks a month is okay. I need some new clothes. So does Chris. Jayna can always use more toys. But I don't buy these things because I think of emergencies.

But I digress. Oh yeah...ripping a new one. My anger would have been displaced. I would have been ripping the wrong person...sort of. I know what it's like to need money. I know what it's like to feel like there is no other way than to get another job...even one you know you don't like doing. I know what it's like to do jobs for less money than you think you deserve simply because you think it's the only choice. Keep your minds out of the gutter, people.

But I also know what it's like to spend money on a situation that could have DEFINITELY been avoided had a child's parent told the truth. I have spent over 400 bones to get Jayna better. Seven copays, 48 tubes of Xopenex, 40 mL of Omnicef that I then had to throw away, 2 bottles of infant Tylenol, tons of time off of work,...you do the math. And this does not include the fact that my baby had to get shots. And that she could have been hospitalized. Or all the sleepless nights, the middle-of-the-night breathing treatments. It really just makes me sick to think about it.

I can't tell my babysitter that she can't watch other kids. I can't feel okay about that. I know she needs money. I know this. And I'm expected to only know this....and not know about any of the money that is spent in that household on needless things. If I weren't family I probably wouldn't know that. But I am and I do. And I can't ignore it.

I also can't say no because I shouldn't be the one that has to say no. I refuse to say no so that I can be blamed for something in which I do not deserve the blame. Not gonna do it. I won't be the bad guy here. But I also won't stand around while my kid gets sick over and over again. I could get that at a regular ole daycare right along with my kid getting limited attention and a short temper from a stretched-too-thin child care provider.

Making rational and well-thought-out decisions is a daunting task. But it's one that adults...parents, spouses, members of the workforce...are FORCED to make everyday. What's done is done and it unfortunately can't be undone. The trick is to learn from the mistakes, the bad decisions, the past, the things we KNOW were wrong in the first place, and use those lessons for the future. Know you have doctor bills to pay? Don't spend ALL of your tax refund (maybe some but not all) on seemingly needless things. Know that the parent of the kid you agree to babysit doesn't pay on time and doesn't bring everything the kid needs everyday and gets other kids sick with contagious illnesses? Well, I think you know the answer.

I think what irritates me the most is that ALL of this...the decision to watch said kid and the need for a second job to pay said doctor bills...ALL of it could have been avoided with some better decision-making. Learn from the past. It's there for you to use...it's a tool...USE IT.

It seems that there is an answer to my own question embedded somewhere in this post, but I won't point it out. Geez...what a pickle this is. She'll do what she has to do. And so will I.