ToT: When Life's in the Crapper...

TOPIC:
List 30 things that you take for granted that you have gratitude for-you can elaborate as much or as little on each item.


So I know the topic says "List..." which is usually right up my alley, but I have some things to get off my chest first.

I haven't been blogging lately because it seems way too trivial.  Trivial in the sense that my focus has needed to be elsewhere. 

Dudes...my friends' lives are in the crapper. 

I don't really want to elaborate because I don't want to, you know, air all of my friends' dirty laundry on my blog.  That just ain't kosher.

Numerous divorces.  Custody battles.  Financial struggles.  Medical problems.  Medical problems of my friends' close family members.  Lost jobs.  Lots of tears.  Lots of stress.  And LOTS of me sitting around trying to figure out how to help.

The truth is that short of just being a good listening ear, giver of sound advice, shoulder to cry on, sounding board to vent to or an outstanding drinking buddy, I can't help.  And...it's killing me.

I blame it on my motherly instinct.  It is well known that I don't really like...people.  I like CERTAIN people.  And when someone becomes a CERTAIN person, they then have to deal with all this crazy I have up in my brain.  And when any or all of those CERTAIN people are hurting, I just want to take away the hurt.  Just take it for myself.  Just as I want to take away all Jayna's hurt.  I would've gladly gone under the knife for eye surgery for her.  I'd gladly go across the monkey bars for her since she is having such a hard time with it.  I'd GLADLY take away the pain of those CERTAIN people if it put a smile on their faces and a little hope into their hearts.

Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.  We are shaped by our experiences.  Our experiences teach us how to act, how to live, how to survive.  And I can't survive for these people.  They must continue to be functioning members of society on their own.  But it still hurts my heart to see them go through these things.

And as I sit and watch my friends lives go down the crapper and the world crumble around me, I have MUCH to be grateful for:

1. I have the greatest husband that ever lived:  supportive, loving, a GREAT father to Jayna, a good provider, and my bestest friend for all eternity.  Although I've recently seen other outstanding husbands in action lately (read: Mark), I still attest that Chris is just the best person that I could've ever teamed up with.  That's what we are, you know.  A team.  To us, that's what a marriage is.  Sure, we disagree.  We get mad.  And then we communicate.  And then we hug.  And then we make fun of each other.  That's how we do.
2. I am somehow managing to help raise the kindest, most polite child ever.  She regularly uses her manners and also compliments me atleast one time a day on something or another.  "Mommy, you look pretty today."  That can very well be the difference between a totally shitty day and an okay day.  I just love her. 
3. I know that, whatever the situation, I can count on my family.  I have some of the best parents there are and I know that I can always count on them.  I am also very grateful that I can now call Chris' parents my family.  They love me and support me in all that I do.  It's nice to know that there is always someone out there who'll have your back come hail or high water.  It's just a great feeling.
4. My job.  Good grief...I've never been more grateful to have a job, no less one that is flexible, pays well and provides me with health insurance.  With so many people suffering from un- or under-employment, I am so very thankful to be employed.
5. My friends.  They are, and have been in the past, my lifelines.  They bring me back to reality when I'm being dramatic.  They help lift me up when I'm down.  The make me smile, make me think and help me work through my issues.  I don't know what I'd do without you all.
6. Wine.  I'm really thankful for wine. :)
7. The ability to provide opportunities for Jayna.  Whether it is being able to afford these things or simply taking the time to do things with her, I'm grateful that Chris and I are dedicated to this.
8. Rain.  Never before have I spent so many days wishing it would just rain.  I feel for the farmers whose crops have suffered because of the drought.  Hopefully the mild fall weather will save atleast some of them.
9. Technology.  I wouldn't have the ability to communicate with some people without all of the ways we have today.  I am grateful that I can email, Facebook, text and/or call all of the people I care about near or far.
10. Oliver.  He is the comic relief in my life.  He is also very annoying at times, what with his weird catlike behavior.  Nonetheless, he makes me laugh and gives me snuggles when I need them.
11. Shelter.  Yes, shelter.  I've spent countless hours HATING my house.  It's too small.  Too cramped.  Not in the school district I want.  I don't have a pantry.  Or a master bath.  Or a laundry room.  But here's the thing, y'all:  I HAVE A HOUSE.  A house that I can afford that isn't in a bad neighborhood.  And I am thankful that I don't have to live in my car.
12. Peanut butter.  I love me some peanut butter.
13. Freedom.  Plain and simple. 
14. Painting.  Painting provides an outlet for me that I never knew.  Scrapbooking didn't do it.  Candlemaking didn't do it.  The numerous other hobbies I had didn't do it.  But painting doesn't serve any other purpose than me putting paint to canvas.  I'm not preserving memories or making something useful in the sense that it has a higher purpose.  It is art for art's sake.  And I love it.  Now to find more time to do it.
15. Jayna's preschool.  We chose her preschool based on 3 factors:  it is close to our house (less than a mile), it was in our price range and when we met the 2 women who owned it, I loved them.  That's...it.  We didn't choose it based on academics (they opened 2 months before Jayna started, so we had no idea).  We didn't choose it based on how many kids went there (7 at first).  And we didn't choose it based on popularity (again, just opened).  And despite a few minor setbacks/flaws that have been worked out, it has turned out to be a perfect fit for Jayna.  She is learning at a rate that I didn't think was possible and a large part of that is due to her teachers.  I love them and so does Jayna.
16. A kid who sleeps through the night 99.9% of the time.  Jayna woke me up at 1am because she was having a dream that she thought was real life.  And it has screwed up my whole day.
17. Quick dry nail polish.  Hey...YOU try polishing 10 wiggly fingers and 10 wiggly toes and THEN tell me it won't make your gratitude list.
18. The nice people at CVS.  $35 refund that I didn't think I was going to get?  Yes please!!  Thanks, nice pharmacy lady. :)
19. Lunch hour.  It's fast approaching and I will take full advantage of it today.
20. Weekends.  How else would I have time to sleep in?
21. Zyrtec.  It has pretty much saved my life this summer.
22. My health.  I am very lucky to be so healthy.  I do have some things to work on (exercising more), but all in all, I'm doing well. 
23. Smores.  Man, that's a gooood dessert.
24. Mexican Monday.  Even though it isn't Monday.  Dude, I must be hungry.
25. Sunshine.  I don't always think about it, but I am in a much better mood if the sun is shining.  It can be 10 degrees, but if the sun is shining, the day is better.  I am grateful for all that vitamin D.
26. My doctor.  She must be the most caring doctor there ever was.  She's helped me through so many things it isn't even funny.  She even helped me come to terms with running the Mini last year.  She's an OB/GYN, but I still go to her for everything.  She's the most helpful doctor I've ever had.
27. Our decision to cut the Cable Television Cord.  It has freed up more time and money than we ever though possible.  And we don't even miss it.  Except for baseball games and Monday Night Football. :)
28. The food on my table.  I complain ALL THE TIME about the price of groceries.  But guess what?  I can still afford them.  And sadly enough, that puts me ahead of many Americans.  I am grateful that I am able to provide food for our family.
29. The harmonica.  It's brought so much joy to my life.  I never knew I could do it.  But with Chris' support and prodding, I began and I'm actually pretty good at it. :)
30. Air conditioning.  It was so freakin' hot this summer that we really would've missed it had it not been around.  Some of the houses in my neighborhood don't have central air.  I feel for those of you who don't have it.  I know it isn't a necessity, but it sure is nice.

Writing out all of that really puts things into perspective.  I urge you all to think about what you're grateful for.

What are you all thankful for?  Now use those links to the right!!

May 2011 Six Pix

May was fun. 

May was random.

May was a "go with the flow" month.  I don't have very many months that are "go with the flow."  I'm not generally a "go with the flow" person.  I'm working on that...and that is a long post all on it's own.  And it's fast approaching that I feel like writing about it...you know, with the holidays coming up (my LEAST "go with the flow" time of year).

At any rate, I had a lot of fun, some heartbreak, a little stress, too much anxiety and a big victory in May.  And not very many photos to show for it.

Here are some photos and some stories to go along with them:

In May, Chris was still in a band.  Sunday mornings/afternoons were my alone time with Jayna and we very often took advantage of it by doing things that Chris wouldn't really miss out on...i.e. going to the mall. On this particular day, Jayna wanted to go to "that lighted up restaurant" (Johnny Rocket's) to eat french fries.  So we went there.  She sat in a chair across the table from me by herself with no booster because she's "a big girl."  She also ordered her own drink and food because she's "a big girl."  And she used her manners by saying please and thank you because she's...you guessed it:  "a big girl."  On that particular day, it dawned on me that she really is growing up into a very awesome kid.  And that makes me proud and sad at the same time.

I have wanted to learn how to play harmonica for a long time now.  On Memorial Day, Chris said, "Hey...let's go to Guitar Center and get your harmonica."  It was a win-win-win.  I got my harmonica, Chris got to play some guitars and Jayna got to go play piano, guitar, drums, etc.  She really loves that store.  She also loves to sit on the stools.  This is one of my favorite pictures of her EVER.  She just looks so very sweet.

As you all know, Chris and I ran the Mini in May.  I will not go into that again, as I've written a couple of books about it.  I still love this photo, though.  That was a HUGE victory for me...one that I desparately needed in the midst of many other obstacles in life.  I haven't thought the same way about myself since I finished that race...horrible time or not. :)

This picture makes me laugh because soooo very many people think Chris is quiet and reserved.  This?  This is the REAL Chris.  Goofy and quick to make you laugh.  He was the best support I could've had before, during and after the Mini.  I love him to pieces.

One random Friday night, KT called and asked if she could stop by.  Stopping by on a Friday night in the warm months will inevitably lead to back porch guitar playing and wine drinking.  And that's what we did.  It's always nice to unexpectedly see friends.

This guy is Erik.  This day is my birthday.  This event was a show that The Band played at a Moose Lodge.  ON MY BIRTHDAY. (Oh...did I already mention that?)  I spent my birthday at a Moose Lodge.  I'm 31, not 75.  Anyhoo, there is a very long, ugly, heartbreaking story to be told about this night and the few weeks after this night.  Since it is all just juicy gossip that STILL dang near makes me cry, I won't tell it here.  I will just say that this was Erik's first time singing on a stage. EVER.  It makes me so proud of my friends when they do things to face their fears.  It was a rough go, but he did it!!  I love this guy and I hope we are always friends.  He is currently in Germany with his outstanding wife, Janette, until sometime next year, but I'm patiently awaiting their return.  We have drinking to do. :)

What did YOU do in May?

Five for Friday: Funny Fits

Jayna is back to throwing some kick ass tantrums.  I thought we'd gotten past the worst of the actual "tantrum" and were moving into the sassiness and the smart ass phase.  Turns out she just found a way to combine the two, forcing me to actually LOSE MY COOL.

I occasionally raise my voice.  I don't call it yelling because I don't actually yell.  I turn on the "mom voice."  You should all know what I'm talking about because you all either have a mom or a mom figure or are a mom.  I get slightly louder and way more stern.  And that voice alone gets a reaction from the kid.  Mind you, that reaction is most often the beginning of a fit.  The beginning of a fit for her is to crunch her face up, start to cry, and make the crying noise...loudly.  This is her way of saying, "Hey...I know you're mad at me and I'm pretty pissed about that."

Atleast in my mind that's what she says.

I get this reaction ALL. THE. TIME.  Everytime.  Without fail.  At first I tried to work through it with her.  Now?  After an entire 6 months of it?  STRAIGHT to time out.  No passing go.  No 200 bucks.  Just straight to the time out chair.

Yeah...ask me how that's going.

At first this worked outstandingly.  She'd get up in the time out chair and serve her 3 minutes.  Notsomuch anymore.

I now have to physically PUT her in time out.  That automatically earns her an additional minute.  After I put her in time out, she then proceeds to scream and kick and hit and spit...you name it, she's probably done it.

Her minutes don't start until her fit is over and she is silent.  Within the last 2 weeks, that's started taking about 30 minutes.  Unless I get really pissed or we have to leave at a scheduled time.  And then I'll drag her little butt all over that house and MAKE her do things while she's throwing a fit and then put her in the car and tell her she's still in time out.

It works for now, but I'm sure that won't last long.

So...here are 5 hilarious things that have happened regarding Jayna fits within the past few weeks:

• Last week she got put in time out for throwing a fit and then hitting me.  She never actually hits me hard...it's more like a swat to show disapproval of what I'm saying.  I told her that she can NOT hit me. It's a no no.  She then jumped out of the time out chair, ran over to me and hit me again, and then ran back to the time out chair.  I...had NO idea what to say or do.
• During that SAME time out, she hit me a total of 3 times.  I smacked her on her butt.  Later that night, she threw a fit when getting out of the bath.  I dropped the towel, got on my knees, grabbed her shoulders and made her look me in the eye.  She then jerked away from me, smacked herself on her bottom and said, "Just spank me, mommy!!!"  Yeah...no.  She's going to have to take responsibility for her actions.  The ADULT way.
• Wednesday morning she had a doctor's appointment (I'll write about that in the upcoming 3 Years Old post), so we were at home until around 8:45am.  About 30 minutes before it was time to go, she started a fit.  I put her in time out.  She started screaming this at the top of her lungs: "I DON'T LIKE YOU MOMMY!  TOMORROW I TRYING TO GET MARRIED AND YOU GONNA BE SOOOO MAD AT ME!!!"  What the hell?!?  I stood in the next room laughing my ass off.  Where does she get this junk?
• That morning fit lasted around 20 minutes.  We were going to be late for the doctor, so I picked her up, kicking and screaming, out of time out and took her to the bathroom to force her to brush her teeth.  (And on a related note...do you know how difficult it is to brush a kid's teeth when they're screaming and kicking and crying? It ain't no walk in the park, I'm tellin' ya.)  After I was done, she started on the "trying to get married" stint.  I cut her off and said, "You know, if you keep yelling like that, no one will want to marry you.  Do you think daddy would still want to be married to mommy if I yelled at him like you're yelling at me?  I don't think so."  She was stunned and VERY confused.  But it made her stop and she legitimately THOUGHT about what she was doing.  And she stopped all together after that.  And NO...I'm NOT proud of that moment.  But when it was happening, short of actually hurting the kid, I would've done almost anything just to get her to stop yelling.
• During a different fit, I put her in time out and she took her fingernails and scratched down both of her arms.  She said, "I gonna scratch myself mommy!!!!"  I can only assume she was trying to get me to sympathize and baby her because she hurt herself.  I just said, "That's silly, Jayna.  Why would you want to hurt yourself?"  Again, she was completely stunned.  She had no idea what to say and then sat for her minutes and was done.
• One of her favorite things to randomly yell at me when she's in time out, no matter what I say or don't say, is, "I DON'T CARE MOMMY!"  I turned the tables on her yesterday and told her, "Okay...well, fine.  Then I don't care either."  And I left the room.  She then told me after time out, "Mommy...my feelings hurt really bad."  (Not they ARE hurt...just that they hurt.  That's cute to me. :) )  When I asked her why, she told me, "Because you said you don't care about me."  Now remember...I didn't ever say, "I don't care about YOU."  I just said that I didn't care either.  When I pointed out to her that she told me she didn't care about 85 times, her response was, "But mommy...I didn't say I didn't care about YOU.  I just said I didn't care about....."  And she never finished.  We ALWAYS assure her after her time outs that we still do and always will love her, but that her fits make us unhappy and hurt our feelings.  I'm not sure why she thought I said I didn't care about her.

I shouldn't wonder why I recently had to start coloring my hair again.  I'll probably have a full head of gray hair by the time I'm 35 at this rate.  Oy.

So parents...what do YOU do about screaming fits?  Do you ignore?  Take things away?  Spank?

I am mostly against spanking.  She's gotten a few smacks on the bottom, but it isn't something I use everyday or even every month...and it will eventually stop working.  Currently, we do time out beginning when the fit ends, we ignore her when she's screaming and throwing a fit, we take away toys and priveleges (yesterday she lost television, dressup clothes and her tea set...some of her favorite things) and we make her tell us what she did and what the consequence is.  She REALLY  hates that last part.  And I'll keep making her do it because I want her to learn to take responsibility for her actions, good or bad.

I'd love to hear your feedback.  If you don't hear back from me for awhile, contact your local looney bin. :)

Monday Meets Morbid Epiphany

***This will be considered sensitive material to some of you.  Read at your own risk.***
I've never been afraid of dying.  And frankly, I've never understood those who are.  It's inevitable.  There is no way around it.  No way out of it.  It just...is.

People generally think that they are in control of their future.  Their destiny.  Their fate.  And while that may be true to some degree, none of us knoww when our time will come.  It could be tomorrow.  It could be 60 years from now. 

But tomorrow or 60 years from now, one thing remains in constant:  NONE OF US KNOW HOW LONG WE HAVE IN THIS LIFE.

Pretty deep, huh? 

Now, picture it:  Georgia Street, 2011.  August.  2011.  And a Monday to top it off.

I was sitting at my desk this morning typing and emailing and such.  All of a sudden, a weird feeling came over me.  I shook.  I held back tears.  I...don't know.  Something happened.

In an instant, I became eerily aware that someday, at some unknown time and place, I will cease to exist.

I will die.

I will no longer be here.  Anywhere.

Caput.  The end.

I would leave behind unfinished business.  Memories.  Probably some debt.  Many worldly possessions.  A family.  And a child.  A child who would hopefully be grown...maybe even with children of her own.

And what would be left?  I don't know.

And of all of this...there isn't a damn thing I can do about dying.  It WILL happen.

Folks...I was bowled over by my own mortality.  In the blink of an eye.

I was unsure of how to move forward.  I mean LITERALLY move forward.  I was frozen in my seat.  Afraid to move.  Terrified of dying.

There is no other experience in my life that I can compare to this experience.  A seemingly mundane Monday at work turning into a life-altering moment.  I hadn't a clue what to make of it.

By the time I composed myself, it was lunchtime.  Chris and I headed out to Mexican Monday.

I raised my concern to him.  And to my surprise, he knew exactly what I was talking about...except this apparently happens to him often, as he's always had fear surrounding death.

My next comment was, "This makes me think that something is wrong with me.  With my brain."

He replied, "Why?  I think most people are somewhat afraid of death even though it's inevitable.  You shouldn't wonder why you are too."

I then rephrased my concern.  "So...you've always been afraid of dying.  What would you think of yourself if, one day while just sitting at your desk, you just suddenly became completely okay with death?  How would you feel about that?"

That struck him.  He then knew the severity of this situation...atleast the severity in my mind.  I tend to want to analyze things that seem normal to most people simply because they aren't normal to me.  Even though MOST people are afraid of death, I was NOT until this morning.

And I'm TERRIFIED.

I'm terrified of my own mortality.

I asked Chris, "How do I feel better about this?  I don't want to be afraid to drive the car, play with the kid, etc."

His response was less than helpful. "I don't know.  I've never been okay with it.  You just live."

And while I agree with him, I don't agree with him.

I've been "just living" and I feel like I've cheated myself in some respects.  Here I am, doing the same thing and expecting different results.  THAT, my friends, is the definition of insanity.

I took this morbid epiphany as a call for motivation.  There are things.  Things in this life that I want.  That I want to do and to have and to experience.  And I won't be here forever.  Changes need to be made.

Time for change.  And a plan.  Change AND a plan AND "just living."  They CAN coexist.

I need a plan.  A REAL plan.  A LIFELONG plan.

I am constantly telling people to "make it count."

I can't control when I'll go, but I sure as HELL can make it count along the way.

Well, here I go, friends.  I'm going to make it count. 

Stay tuned for the Two Year Plan.  This should be interesting.

Mulligan Monday: Chuck E. Cheese & Teenagers on Bikes

I need a day to recuperate from my weekend.  Some really strange things happened.

For some strange reason unbeknownst to myself or anyone who knows me, I thought it would be a good idea to take Jayna to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate her potty training feat. 

When I got up on Saturday, I was determined to make it a good day, but to not put too much pressure or too many expectations on the day.  So I did what I always do on Saturday:  I cleaned.  I cleaned the house, cleaned the couch and bathed the stank-ass dog.  I was feeling good!! 

Doing productive things is good for the soul, you know.

I ran out of time when I got to the half bath, so I just left the cleaner in there. It should be said that I make my own household cleaners from things such as Borax, vinegar and water. The bottle is clearly marked, but it looks just like the one I use to spray my hair with water. (And those of you who know me well will certainly see where this is going.)

While Jayna was napping, I got dressed and did the hair/makeup thing.  I did NOT shower...why would I waste that time before going to a germ-infested kid's place?  I needed my hair to curl up a bit, so I reached for the water bottle.  On the second spray, I realized that I was spraying cleaner in my hair.  Good thing there was no bleach in there. 

I should've just stayed home after that happened.

We had planned to take along my friend, Michelle and her little guy Sam (who Jayna adores), my mom and my brother and his family that consisted of my 8-year-old nephew, my sister-in-law, her nephew Dillon and my Brother.  In all, we had 4 kids and 6 adults.  And even though the kids were complete angels, we probably could've used a couple more adults.  We had a group of 10 people.  The only tables that would hold more than 4 people were all reserved for parties.  There were no 2 tables together.  Luckily, the place began to clear out about an hour after we got there, so we were able to all sit together.

The place was a nightmare.  I've never seen that many people in one place with such a few number of staff.  All the games were out of tickets.  All the ticket redemption machines were full of tickets.  Michelle and I stood in line for no less than 20 minutes to spend WAY too much money on pizza. 

I can't believe how many parents out there think that Chuck E. Cheese is a place where children can run free and climb on everything and steal things off of tables and do things they aren't allowed to do at home or at any other civilized place on earth.  I'm not sure I'll ever go back to that place.

All in all, everything went well.  I only had to excuse myself one time to go outside and catch my breath.  And I'm super glad that the kids had fun.

Jayna was a nightmare when we got home, so straight to bath and bed it was.  She woke up Sunday morning a new little girl. 

Sunday was a good day until around 2:30pm.

I was at my mom's all morning, so I didn't get to run until 2:15 or so.  I didn't have enough time to drive to a park or the gym to run due to another dinner obligation, so I decided to brave the brutal wind and run in my neighborhood.  FAIL.

I was about a half mile into the run when I saw a group of teenage boys ahead...2 on bikes and the others just standing on the sidewalk.  My initial thought was, "Oh boy...here we go."  But I just kept running.  And then they noticed me.

I ran off of the sidewalk and into the street to go around them.  I was still a ways away from them at that point.  One of the boys on a bike, probably a 15-year-old kid, decided it would be a good idea to ride down the street to me and circle me while I was running.  He also would ride directly at me and swerve just before he hit me.  Then came the tight S pattern literally 2 feet in front of me.  By this time his friends were even telling him that he should leave me alone.  He ignored them.  I had on sunglasses so he couldn't see my expressions.  That seemed to work in my favor...because I was getting a little scared.  I'm glad that he couldn't see that.  I simply said, "I'm not sure this is a good idea, dude."  He mocked me a little, rode one circle around me and then SLAMMED ON HIS BREAKS directly in front of me.  He then immediately turned to circle me again.

I felt seemingly ALL of my blood rush to my ears.  When I get pissed, my ears turn blood red. 

I had no other option than to extend my foot and kick his bike.  I hit the frame hard and right under the seat.  Karma was on my side at that moment.

It caused his bike to fall over in front of me.  He fell directly to the ground and winced as if he were going to burst into tears.

As I jumped over his front tire to continue running, I said, "Sounds like you should've listened to your friends."

I ran the fastest mile of my life after that.  I'm not sure if it was because I was afraid of backlash or if I was proud of myself, but the adrenaline was pumping after that.  Had I not been slightly freaked out to make the lap again, I probably could've run atleast 3 more 10 minute miles.  Probably not, but a girl can dream. :)

I'm still waiting for a parent or the cops to show up at my house.  I'm claiming self defense, if not sexual harrassment.  He wouldn't have done that to a guy.  That kid was bigger than me (not by much, but still) and was literally inches from me on several occasions. 

That's what I get for running in the neighborhood when the teenagers are out.

What did y'all do this weekend?

Wednesday Whits...and Woes

Sorry for the lack of blogging.  I know y'all were sad to not read my blog for a whole week. :)

Last week I went to Bloomington for the conference thing on Thursday and Friday and the the weekend was packed full of junk too.  Good, but packed.


WHITS

We've  been talking with Jayna a lot about the change of seasons.  She's super stoked that Spring is here because that means she can play outside.  Yesterday she said to me, "Is it Summer yet mommy?"  I told her no, it was still Spring.  She said, "Can we make it Summer so I can go swimming?"  :)

As we were playing outside a few days ago, Jayna heard the neighbor kid, who is around 6, call his cousin a dummy.  She looked at me and said, "He said dummy.  That's a bad word."  She then ran over to the fence and yelled, "HEY YOU!!!  You don't say 'dummy.'  It's a bad word and you get a time out!!!"

I told her yesterday to "watch out for dog dirt" as she was walking through a particular spot in our yard.  She said, "It's not dirt mom.  THAT'S dirt." (pointed to the ground).  She then walked over to some dog poop, got down close to it (her finger was about an inch away from touching it) and said, "THAT'S poop.  And it stinks.  And if I get it on my shoe I throw it away.  Ewwwwww!!!!!"

Last night she asked me if we could trade panties.  And then we had that SAME CONVERSATION about wearing only YOUR OWN panties.  This can't be good, can it??


WOES

I'm full of woes today.  Not sure why...just in a funk.  I can't sleep.  Ever.  It's annoying.  This happens from time to time, but this time it's lasting entirely too long.  As in 3 weeks.

I am *almost* afraid to run.  It's quite strange.  After I was told that me putting too much pressure on myself was causing me to have the anxiety problem, I am afraid to put ANY pressure on myself.  I'm looking for middle ground and I just haven't found it yet.  I ran on Saturday with KT and went 4.5 miles in just under an hour.  I thank her for being supportive and motivational.  She was the perfect mix of a friend who cares and a coach who wants me to do my best.  MY best.  Not her best.  MINE.  That is soooo helpful.  She also gave me some tips on how to make things easier on myself...including some lifestyle changes.  I've done it before and I can do it again. 

I'm just not sure how to do it on my own.  I don't have enough confidence in myself that I could walk out my front door and run for 4.5 miles with no one there pushing me along.  I WANT to.  I'm just not sure I CAN.  Besides becoming a parent, I'm not sure I've EVER been so unsure of myself as I am with this.  Practice makes perfect, though, so I have to start trying. 

My diet has gone to hell.  Not diet in the sense of trying to lose weight, but just everyday diet in general.  This winter was hell for me and I'm just now trying to get back on track.  I was positive that I could stay at the weight I was at in October, make it through the winter, and pick up again in March to lose the last 10 or 15 pounds.  Ha!  Not likely.  I've gained back a few...6 or 7....pounds and I now have just that much more to lose. 

Something is off.  Or someTHINGS are off.  Have been for awhile.  Don't really know what...but it would be nice to figure it out.  I'm not sure I've EVER struggled this much with life in general.  Somethings gotta give soon.

Melancholy Monday: Me

I've realized that I don't just write directly about myself very often.  I write about things I do and about my kid and my dogs and my husband and other things, but I don't write just about me.  As in, "Hey there!!  How ya doin, kid??"  And then I'd answer. 

Probably because I don't *like* to answer that question.  My default answer would be, "I'm okay."  And that makes for a pretty boring blog entry.

I've debated since last Thursday as to whether I'd even write this entry.  And then as I was lying awake last night, a very profound and important answer came to me...."Whatever."

Yes, you read that right.  I said, "Whatever."  That was it.  I asked myself a question and the answer I received back was, "Whatever."  And at 3:30am, it seemed very profound.

So apparently I'm okay with writing about this now.

I supposed I just needed 3 or 4 days to process everything. 

And it is highly likely that I'm making this a bigger deal than it is.  Which is, in turn, probably why I've typed 2 dozen sentences and y'all don't even know what I'm talking about yet.

Last Thursday I had my annual doctor visit with my women's health doctor.  No, not JUST the lady doctor...she does way more than that.  She is by far the best and most attentive doctor I've ever had. 

To catch you up, there are a few things you should know.  I have a rash all over my whole body.  I've written about this before, but not to a great degree.  It started about a week after I began running (which is why it's always been attributed to sweat/heat).  It doesn't itch.  It doesn't burn.  It was sort of misdiagnosed by a nurse practitioner as either heat or sweat (prickly heat) rash.  I'd been applying hydrocortisone cream and water-based lotion to no avail.  The stupid rash kept spreading and was getting WAY worse. 

When the assistant at the doctor's office took my blood pressure and asked me a jillion questions that didn't even really seem to pertain to my health, she also asked me if I had any additional questions/concerns for the doctor.  And I mentioned the rash.  The doctor was going to see it anyway.

She looked at it and was immediately afraid to touch me after that.  Good grief.  Anyhoo, she said she'd write it down...and write it down she did.

So the doc comes in and asks me immediately, "So what is this rash??"  I showed her and she actually became concerned.  I then told her the story that I wrote above.  She looked up a few things in a book and said, "Have you been dealing with a great deal of stress or anxiety?"  Huh.

I referenced the fact that I was trying to run 13 miles.  She laughed.  "Oh you...you can't train from nothing to run 13 miles in only 5 months.  Really."  And then she asked me 20 other questions like if I'd changed my laundry detergent or body soap.  Nope.  Haven't changed a thing.

So then she says, "Why are you shaking your foot? Are you nervous about being here?  I don't remember you ever being nervous here."  I was NOT, in fact, nervous.  I LOVE my doctor and I have never been afraid of doctors.  Not even "that doctor." 

She then said, "You're also picking at your fingernails."  That didn't surprise me.  If you know me, you know that I was an avid nail biter until around 4 years ago.  Now I occasionally just pick at my cuticles.  Classy, I know.

Then we talk about the running a little more and, seemingly out of the blue, she says, "I'm going to go get an anxiety questionaire.  I think that's a good place to start."  Oh dear.

She asked me loads of questions.  She then asked, "Have you lost a loved one?  Someone close to you?"  I replied with, "I lost my best friend.  My dog Morgan."

HOLY SHIT!!!  Where the hell did that come from??  I didn't even tell myself to say that.  Seriously.  And then I started crying right there in the room with the doctor watching me and telling me that it would be okay.  Geez. 

I was pretty sure that I had turned a corner last month sometime.  Apparently I turned right when I should've turned left.

I really didn't know that that situation was still bothering me that much. 

She then may or may not have mentioned to me that I had talked about running like it was a job and not a hobby or goal.  Ugh.  And that I was kidding myself if I thought I'd be able to run the entire mini.  While deep down I know she's right, it's really difficult to HEAR things like that.

I told her that I'd had a couple of bad days here and there, but overall I thought I was okay.  She asked me to explain my worst day.  After talking about that day, she said, "You know, it sounds like you were on the edge of a panic attack."  Woah.

She then diagnosed my rash as something that was 5 words long, had only 2 vowels, and was almost unable to be pronounced.  And she said, "This rash, like most, is HIGHLY exacerbated by stress and anxiety.  I've not seen it to this degree."  Oh.

So she took some blood, or a LOT of it, and told me she'd also test me for a battery of things in case the anxiety and rash were part of a bigger problem.  After 9 tubes, I got a little antsy.  What was she testing me for??

I never did get a straight answer on that as the phlebotomist wasn't at liberty to answer my questions.  My doctor just kept telling me, "When I see you again in 3 months, you'll be a brand new person.  I just KNOW it!!"

Two prescriptions for the rash and an anxiety med that I can take only if I feel I need it.  I'm okay with all of that.

I've never had problems with stress or anxiety to the degree that a doctor noticed.  My doctor also did not pressure me to take anti-depressants or anxiety meds.  She said it was only one of many options and gave me the run-down on what she thought would help.  First and foremost...I should reduce the amount of self-imposed stress. 

I struggled with that a first, as it basically means that I have to stop with running goals that are, at this time, out of my reach.  I've since re-evaluated my life, my limits (time and physical) and my sanity.  They're all sort of in the crapper right now.  So a re-evaluation was needed. 

My life right now will NOT allow me to train hard enough to run the bulk of the mini.  I have a family and a job and shit to do.  Seriously.  My time limits are being tested on a daily basis as I struggle with making time to go to the gym or run outside.  My physical limits are being tested on account of the fact that I went from pretty much NO exercised to a WHOLE BUNCH of it.  My right knee is currently in a compression brace to stop the ache.  And these days it seems that I LIVE on the edge of sanity.  Which means insanity is right over the line I'm toeing. 

I can't keep up with myself.  It's so much more than frustrating that I can't even put it into words. 

I NEVER want running to become a chore.  I LOVE it and I want to continue doing it for a LOT of years.  I want to run mini-marathons and 5Ks and such and have fun.  And be healthy.  I don't want to be a ball of anxiety that forces herself to go to the gym for the sake of being there.  That's not how I do. 

Where does this leave me?

No more running stress.  More realistic goals.  Less worrying if I don't exactly reach those goals. 

I've now committed myself to 3 training days a week.  I'll do 2 weekdays and one weekend day.  I'll do short runs on the weekdays and a long run on the weekend.  That's what I can do at this point.  Time with my growing child who will NOT be a toddler forever is WAY more important to me than a stupid race.

My short(er) term goal is to run 6.5 miles of the mini.  That's around half.  If I do that all at once...awesome.  If I do 2 or 3 shorter runs...awesome. 

Long term goal?  What is THAT???  :)  Long term goal is to run the 2012 mini and....run THE WHOLE THING.  Seriously.  Y'all just watch. 

In regards to Morgan...time.  And hugs.  If you see me, it's highly likely that I'll need a hug.  If I cry, don't feel bad.  I'm just crying tears of joy that I have good friends and family who allow me to be crazy but then help bring me back to earth.  And don't judge me the whole time. :)

I love you all.

Progress Report: Day 12

A little outdoor running??  Don't mind if I do!!

I sounded pretty happy up there, didn't I?  Yeah...don't let that fool you.  It was a disaster.

On Saturday, I wanted to run but didn't really have time to drive to the gym and all.  It was upwards of 40 degrees, so I thought, "It can't be that bad!  I'll dress warm and run the 1.5 miles I've mapped out in the neighborhood...piece of cake!  I'll be home in 30 minutes tops!" 

I should know better than to get my hopes up about running outside.

I have a pretty horrid cold right now, but it was 40 degrees!!  Noone told me that the wind was blowing like crazy, though.  That doesn't help.

My sinuses almost instantly filled up with mucus causing me to breathe through my mouth...which irritated my already scratchy and raw throat.  I tried to suck it up and breathe through my congested nose, but snot bubbles are never attractive.

My lungs burned after a quarter of a mile with the wind blowing directly in my face.  My hands were numb (note to self:  wear gloves if it's under 50 degrees).  And I couldn't pace myself to save my life. 

I ran half a mile and gave it up.  I was exhausted.  I think I ran that half mile in about 6 minutes.  That would put me at a 12 minute mile and that shouldn't seem that far out of my grasp...but I couldn't focus on anything except my lack of ability to breathe.  I'm officially a sissy.

I do have to say that it was quite amusing to run in the hood, though.  I saw a kid shoveling snow out of his YARD and putting it into an open shop vac.  I saw a couple in their driveway arguing like cats and dogs.  I was pretty sure the woman was going to punch the man in his throat.  And I saw 2 dachsunds both on leads tied to the same tree celebrating Valentine's Day early (nudge nudge, wink wink...if you know what I mean).  Way more interesting than the gym.

Well...I have work to do.  Pacing and breathing work.  I'll get there.  Eventually.

Progress Report: Day 7 and Goals for Next Week

Last week was a week of successes and failures.  And while the successes should mean more than the failures, they don't just yet.  I shouldn't be failing this early in the game.

First up is Day 7 which was Friday 1/21.  Yep...no gym alllllll weekend.  A flood and laziness interfered with that...

Anyhooters, the basics:  32 minutes, 2.2 miles.  Walk 3.2-3.5 mph, run 4.6 mph.  (I increased my run speed a tenth of a mile because 4.5 seems too slow now.  I know it isn't much, but it's atleast the right direction.)  My run total was 1.4 miles (yeah...ONE EFFING TENTH of a mile from the goal.) and walked the rest.  Longest stretch was .75 miles and right at 9 continuous minutes.

Feelings:  Friday was a day filled with anger and emotions.  I fell apart that afternoon for some known and some unknown reasons.  I was mad and anxious when I got there to run and I didn't want to be there.  I've been told that someday I'll learn to channel the emotions into the running, but that isn't happening yet.  I did meet a goal, but that's because I was determined to overcome the funk.  So maybe I DID channel the emotions.  Who the hell knows?!?

My goals for last week were simple:

• Go to gym 4 times for 30+ minutes.   FAIL
• Run .75 miles continuously.  SUCCESS
• Run 1.5 miles of the 2 mile runs.  CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR.

Lesson #1:  If I expect myself to go to the gym AFTER I pick up Jayna, go home and get some things done, then I can pretty much just call that a fail.  It is far too difficult to go throughout the week after I've already been home.  There is too much of the day-to-day to deal with. 

Lesson #2:  Skipping the weekends is NOT AN OPTION.  I really need to make use of Jayna's naptime and get up off it.  Seriously.

Lesson #3:  Running 1.4 miles out of 1.5 hurts more than NOT RUNNING AT ALL.  I mean an emotional type of hurt.  Had I just gotten off my ass and WENT, I most likely would have met 2 of my 3 goals.

***Shaking it off.***

Okay, let's get on to next week's goals:

• Go to gym 4 times for 30+ minutes each.
• Run 1.5 miles of 2 miles ATLEAST 2 of those days.
• Get comfortable with running .75 continuously...meaning I will increase next week.

Morgan Monday: September

Okay, not actually "through" the years, but...well...here you go...just see for yourself:

(circa September 2000)

You see that little tiny black dog there??  Yeah...he grew up to be...

(circa September 2010)

THIS!!! 

Please pardon the quality of the first photo.  It's from 10+ years ago and had to be scanned.

I am having a particularly frustrating morning and Chris just brought that top picture into me and said, "There.  Your day just got better."

And it did.  For a minute. 

Until I remembered that we'll probably only get another couple of months with Moe.  And then I cried like a baby.  At work.  His condition is NOT improving in the least.  He continues to struggle just to walk and sleeps probably 20 hours out of the day.  He doesn't seem to be in much pain (probably due to meds), but he isn't struggling any less either.  And while I can't bear the thought of him not being around, I also can't bear the thought of him living like this for years to come.  I won't make him do that.

The thing that makes this soooo difficult is that we'll probably have to make this decision for him.  That scares the shit out of me.  I keep thinking that ANY DAY NOW he'll start to turn around.  But he doesn't.  He's never comfortable.  He hasn't slept through the night in atleast 2 months.  Which means that neither have I.  We're spending a gajillion dollars on special dog food that has seemingly NO effect.  He's been on it for 9 weeks now and there's been absolutely NO change. 

I also keep thinking that after winter we'll be able to get him out and walking and such...but in reality that isn't going to happen.  We won't be able to reverse the damage.  It's done...and it's nothing of our doing.  But that isn't at all comforting.

This is by far the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with.  I just wish we could go back to the second picture...which was taken in September of this year.  Hell, you know...I'll take EITHER September at this point.  I'll go through all of the chewing and bad puppy behavior and everything if it means he'll still be here.

I just want to go back to September.  Close your eyes with me...and now tap your heels...

There's no place like September.  There's no place like September.  There's no place like September.

Five for Friday: Nonexistent

Dontcha love that title?  I could've just titled it something else, but that would've been...the right thing to do. 

I'm just so used typing Five for Friday.  It's like a bad habit.

Today I bring you an update on my beloved Captain Morgan.  Oh Captain, my Captain.

I love that movie...

Anyhooters, Moe is...just getting old.  He has severe arthritis in his FRONT legs.  This apparently is pretty uncommon, but obviously it happens.  We found out he has arthritis and cartilage loss in his back legs about 5 or 6 years ago.  We put him on glucosamine chondroitin, worked him to help strengthen his joints, gave him buffered aspirin when he experienced pain and he came out the other side of it.  This time seems to be a little more serious than that.

He is 10 years old now.  That is almost double his age when he was diagnosed with arthritis in his back legs.  Apparently dogs carry 60% or more of their weight on their front legs...making this a bit more complicated.  He has a very difficult time rising from lying down and even has trouble getting onto the lowest chair we have.  Sometimes he even trips over the sliding glass doorway to go outside...and that's just a couple of inches off the floor.

He has some clicking in one of his back knees, but it isn't serious.  The vet did say that even she realizes that he's aged tremendously since she last saw him...which was in January of this year.  His vision is okay, but he has some difficulty transitioning from bright to dim and vice versa.  You know, like most aging living things. 

He still has spunk and love to give.  He still eats and drinks and plays to the best of his ability.  He loves us and wants us around.  And he loves Jayna more than life itself.

So...where do we go from here??  Our vet is pretty "real life."  Her first and foremost option was that we get him some pain meds for when he is in pain, change his dog food to a prescription dog food that contains all the vital nutrition for healthy joints and continue to work him to the best of his ability.  She also gave us some other options (that some people who are "real life" about their pets would certainly LOVE to spend the money on...) like xrays, cold light treatment, etc.  She is always very forthcoming about what the best option is in terms of money, extending a dog's life for your own personal gain, and just letting nature take it's course.

If we had xrays done, it would be alot of money.  And from those xrays, she'd pretty much just be able to say, "Yep, he has arthritis."  The cold light treatment requires anesthesia (last year when Moe was put out for his cancer removal, it took him FOREVER to bounce back from the anesthesia) and isn't even guaranteed to work.  Oh...and it's expensive.  REALLY expensive.

Soooo...we are going with the "real life" treatment...which still isn't cheap.  He requires Tramadol when he's in alot of pain.  And he now eats Prescription Diet j/d.  If you're familiar with Prescription Diet then you know it isn't cheap.  We'll drop $65.00 on a 30 pound bag.  And that will last 7 or 8 weeks.

I'll pay it.  I love that dog more than life itself.  But I will NOT interfere with nature and try to prolong his life for my gain or my inability to let go.

Here's to alot more great years, Morgan!!  We love you!

Woeful Wednesday: Captain Morgan

Morgan...my beloved first dog and most soulful companion...has an appointment with his vet tomorrow evening.

He has become extremely weak over the course of the past month and he is running into things and is seemingly becoming disoriented.  He hasn't become violent or angry and still appreciates a good petting and a treat, but he'd really just be content with sleeping ALL the time.

I fear for him.  And I fear for myself.  I'm not sure what I'll do when something eventually does happen...

And please remember that I am a "expect the worst but hope for the best" type of person.  I am hoping that this all can be remedied with some more exercise or a medication.  But I am expecting that we will be told that he is just getting older and we will just have to accept these things.

I may be overreacting.  But what am I supposed to do when my Moe isn't feeling well??

Please keep him in your thoughts.  He's a good boy and he needs some extra love.

Wake Up Wednesday: Where did 2010 go???

Today marks 58 days until Christmas.  I know, I know.  "Why would you do that to us, Danielle??  You KNOW it isn't even Halloween yet!  Don't freak us all out about Christmas until ATLEAST after Halloween!!"

Well, kids, I'm actually saying the SAME DAMN THING!!  Don't freak out.  Don't freak out.  58 days is alot of days.  But let's break it down.  That's only 8.29 weeks.  And less than 2 months.  Yikes.

My main concern is this:  WHERE THE HELL DID 2010 GO????

I seriously feel like I've been asleep since Jayna's 1st birthday.  You know, the Horton one...with the ears and the...oh nevermind. 

My "Word for 2010" was "breathe."  I think I've done that approximately 3 times this year.

Why does time seem to go so much faster now?!?  Anyone who can give me a scientific answer to that will receive a super-special surprise.

Five for Friday: Hopefully

I'm not sure this list will make it to five.  It's been a rough day...

1. I spanked my kid today.  Not with a belt.  Not by yanking her up by her arm and slamming her.  I simply scooped her up and smacked her daipered behind 2 times.  She threw a flashlight at Moe today and then proceeded to beat Ollie repeatedly in his head with her shoe 8 or 9 times.  She got upset with me after I spanked and then threw her shoe at my temple.  THE SAME TEMPLE SHE HEAD BUTTED ME IN ON MONDAY.  I'm at my wits end and have NO IDEA how to control the tantrums at this point.
2. I think I just told all of my Facebook friends that there is a party at my house next Saturday night.  Uhoh.  What was I thinking?  Hopefully they think I was kidding.
3. On a related note, I've been having a case of the "don't think before you act"s.  I've been upsetting people left and right over silly things that could have been cleared up with  me just thinking about what I was doing before I did it.  Oy.  I haven't overanalyzed anything in like 2 weeks...except this.  I think I feel like a normal person...and I don't know how you all live like this!
4. I get tailgated by the SAME WOMAN 2 or 3 days of EVERY week.  I mean severely tailgated.  It happens after I drop off Jayna and when I'm on my way to work.  I can see what color this woman's eye shadow is!!  I hope she finds a new way to work or leaves a little earlier from now on.
5. I want ice cream.  No, I want beer.  Okay, both.

Whine Wednesday: The Day I Stormed Out

I can't believe I'm going to post about this.  But blogs are for feelings, good or bad.  Well, my blog is anyway. 

Yesterday was the most horrible parenting day of my 2 year parental life.  I got so mad that I left. 

Okay...clarification.  I was going to have to leave anyway, but I stormed out...and a few minutes early.  If I stayed I was going to yell.  And throw things.  And cry.  And yell. 

Jayna has decided that she likes peeing in the potty.  I'm not sure that she actually 100% ready to be potty trained, but she does like to go in the potty.  She has yet to tell us when she has to go, although we do know that she CAN tell us.  She knows when she has to go and exercises a great deal of control over her bladder muscles.  She's also pooped in the potty twice.  We began this journey on Saturday and the most diapers she's gone through in a day is 4.  That's down from 8 or 9.  It's a start...and we all know that ya gotta start somewhere.

We've also been letting her wear big girl panties over her diaper and telling her that she should tell us when she has to peepee so she doesn't go in her panties.  She responds well to that and gets a little upset when she does wet her diaper and you ask her if she peed in her panties.  We do not scold her or punish her in anyway, as that seems a little ridiculous, but she does get upset when she pees in her panties.

Yesterday she had 2 wet diapers back to back.  I told her that it was okay, but we'd have to stop wearing panties if she was just going to pee in the diaper.  And we sang the "Keep Trying" Doodlebops song and all was good.  On the third one, I told her that if she was going to pee in her panties that we could just wear diapers.  She got super pissed at me.  She came over to me and screamed "MOMMY!!" and turned my head away so I wouldn't look at her.  She did this several times.  She didn't want to be in the same room with me.  Didn't want to look at me.  Didn't want me to comfort her.  That, my friends, was the worst 10 minutes of my life.

When Chris got home, it was time for her to go potty.  She wouldn't let me come in the bathroom.  I had to go outside because I was so frustrated.  I stayed outside for about 20 minutes.

Several fits ensued between this time and the time I stormed out.  She throws whiny almost fake fits now and the best way to respond to these is to leave the room and tell her that when she is finished she could come find us.  The fit directly preceding my storming out lasted a good 10 minutes.  She couldn't catch her breath, but she'd only cry when we weren't in her sight.  It finally became clear that she had had enough and needed some comforting.  I went and picked her up.  I talked to her for a couple of minutes.  And then it happened.

Chris said probably the 2 most innocent sentences that have ever caused a person to storm out.  He said, "Just sit her down next to me because you need to get ready to leave."  I was talking to her about dinner at that moment...trying to distract her from the fit.  He then said, "Don't push it, she needs some time to settle down." 

That was it.  Then I had had it.  I said, "I was trying...no.  Nevermind.  I've gotta get out of here NOW."  I kissed Jayna and told her I loved her all the while fighting back tears.  And I stormed out.  Door slam and all.

And Chris didn't even know what he did.

I've been struggling again with the fact that Jayna may not like me all day everyday.  I feel like I should know her best and that I should be NUMBER FREAKING ONE in her book.  And I can't control that.  And it sucks.

Am I trying too hard?  Am I not trying enough?  Do I spend too much time doing other things like dishes and laundry and working?  Should I be more strict or more lenient?  Should I play with her more?  These are my everyday brain questions.  And I don't know the answer to a single effing one of them.

So, what did Chris do?  He stepped on my toes in an intense time of bonding.  I didn't care at that moment that it was almost time for me to leave...I was consoling my child.  At that moment I was very confident in my parenting ability...and he shot it down with a seemingly very harmless statement of fact.  He had no malicious intent.  He was simply stating the wrong fact at the wrong time.  It made me feel guilty, insecure of myself and my parenting ability and unsure of my relationship with Jayna all at the same time.  It's difficult for me to explain, but that's the best I have.

I am not mad at him.  I was in that moment.  I was frustrated and angry and tired and DONE.  I was done.  So I stormed out.

We've talked about it.  We've dealt with the issue.  And I don't plan on making the big storm out a habit.But it was necessary for my sanity and for the innocence of my kid.  I won't have a screaming fight in her presence...and Chris didn't deserve that.

Parenting is hard.  It's worst days are 50 times worse than non-parenting worst days.  But it's rewards far outweigh those worst days.

Make It Mine Monday: A Better Day

To directly quote Bart Simpson:

"I didn't know it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows."

Yesterday was a rough day...to say the least.  Today isn't shaping up to be a whole hell of alot better. 

I won't go through the laundry list of things plaguing my physical and/or my mental well-being, I'll just say that I sure hope better days are soon to come.

I'll be doing lots and lots of random acts of kindness to hopefully please the entity that I call Karma.  Call it a sacrifice...because it really is a sacrifice when I'm actually nice.

Ticked Off Tuesday...

...which started with Manic Monday and will undoubtedly turn into Weepy Wednesday.  I feel like a total parental failure today.  Hey, atleast I had a good run, right?

A very high percentage of my brain tells me that Jayna is just entering her terrible twos and that things will eventually get better and even themselves out.  But there is that small part somewhere in there that tells me that I'm doing a horrible job and that I am incapable of raising a child.

Here's the situation:

Jayna has been throwing about 15 fits a day ranging from throwing things at me or the dogs, throwing herself onto the floor, crying, kicking, screaming, doing things that she KNOWS she isn't allowed to do, and...most annoying and frustrating of all...hitting me.  I don't know where she learned the hitting from.  We don't spank her and she isn't around other kids who hit.  She doesn't watch alot of television outside of Sesame Street and the occasional Spongebob.  These fits are over EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN.  She threw a fit this morning because I told her to carry her juice cup to the car.  She threw it at me and then threw herself on the ground to cry and thrash around.  So the juice cup got left at home.  She throws fits when she can't have popsicles for breakfast.  When Spongebob isn't on television.  When you touch or look at her.  When I'm on the phone.  When we can't go outside because it's pouring rain.  When I put her shoes on her.  And all I can say is Oh. My. God.

I am the target of most of Jayna's fits.  Is that normal?  I feel like it is, but I could use some encouragement.  She doesn't throw these fits nearly as often with Chris or Summer or anyone else.  I always have to be the bad guy (which is fine...I'm here to teach her to be a functioning member of society before I'm here to be her friend at this point) and then she takes that out on me.  And I hate it.  But I know I can't just give in.  That's just not how I work.  Parent first.  Friend later.

Yesterday afternoon and this morning were particularly bad.  She had a time out almost as soon as I got to Summer's to pick her up for hitting me because she didn't want to go home.  ALOT of her fits happen when it's time to go home from Summer's.  Does this mean she's being babied?  I don't know.  All I know is that I canNOT do that everyday when I pick her up.  Something has to change.

She then proceeded to throw more fits when we got home (about 5 different times) for various things like the dog walking too close to her and because she couldn't get her crayon box open.  I just wanted to punch myself in the face.

This morning was equally bad too.  First she didn't want to go to Summer's, so we started with a fit because we were leaving.  And after I convinced her that we should go, it was a fit because she needed shoes and a jacket to go outside to the car.  And then because I asked her to carry her juice cup.  And then she threw her book in the car and threw a fit because I wouldn't give it back to her.   AAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once we got to Summer's, it was a fit because we were going into the house instead of walking to the bus stop (bus wasn't coming yet).  Then it was a fit because she wanted Summer to carry her down the street.  And then I got the hell out of there.

I don't know what to do.  Should I just let her throw the fit and wait it out?  Should I make her do things while she's throwing a fit?  Like, when she doesn't want to leave Summer's in the afternoon, should I wait to put her in the car until she's done throwing the fit and no one is paying attention to her or should I put her in the car while she's throwing the fit to show her that she will still have to go home even though she's throwing a fit?   Help.  Please.

I do realize that the tantrum is a common occurrence and that I'll survive it.  I also know that her little brain is growing and developing at the speed of light and that is sure to make her a little crazy sometimes.  She is also getting her 2 year molars, so that is fun too.  Just help me get through this!

Jayna doesn't get time outs for tantrums...she only gets a time out when she hurts someone because she's throwing a tantrum.  I don't want to overuse the time out because then it becomes even more ineffective.  I don't want to spank her.  And I don't want to put her on a plane to Russia.  But what do I do to alleviate some of these tantrums?

What do y'all do about tantrums?  Do you stop the world for them or do you work through them?  Do you have any helpful advice or stories or words of encouragement that will help me keep my sanity?

I seriously feel like she hates me and that I have no business raising a kid.

Life is just what happens to you...

...while your busy making other plans.

This is what happens to me.  I have ambitions.  I have plans.  I have...hell, I just have things that need to be done.  And it just doesn't. Get. Done.  What the hell, dude?!?

What happened?  Well, John Lennon tells me that LIFE happened.  And I've always taken him at his word before.  So I guess I will now too.  So here we go, in list form yet again:

The Little Chatterbox
Jayna has learned to talk.  She now has an arsenal of words (maybe 25) under her belt that she says often and a few others that she's working on.  This all began on Saturday and she's just taken off with it from there.  She can now distinguish between our two dogs.  She used to call them both collectively "Moe."  But now little Ollie finally has a name!!  That name?  Lollie.  Ha. 

The most awesome thing is when we put her to bed at night, she now says, "Love you!"  It's the cutest daggone thing that has ever happened to me.  Except for what happened this morning.  When I dropped her off at Summer's, she took my hand and led me to the front door.  I thought she was basically telling me to leave.  But then she closed the door and hugged me.  I told her, "Love you, Jayna." and she turned away from me.  I said, "Bye bye." and she began to fuss and cry.  She was trying to get me to stay.  Everytime I would stand up to leave, she'd fuss.  It was sad and cute at the same time. 

And I almost stayed.  Almost.  But that sets a precedent and I need money and therefore cannot afford to stay home everytime she says so. 

Death is Near
I have the worst cold I've had since before my kid was born.  It totally sucks.  I've had it since Saturday, but it didn't get too bad until Sunday night.  Monday was horrible, but Tuesday got a little better.  And now Wednesday is worse than Monday.  Yeah...diagram that paragraph, Mrs. Rhinesmith.

It is incredibly inconvenient to be sick when you have a young child.  I have three options when I'm sick...none of which I like.  I could just take Jayna to Summer's and go to work like always.  I could take Jayna to Summer's and then drive back home.  Or I could keep Jayna at home with me.  So...while I like staying home and keeping the kid with me, it isn't really conducive to me being sick which leads me to just take her to Summer's and go to work.  Because if I'm well enough to be at home with her all day, I should be well enough to go to work.  I could take her and go back home, but I'm already 75% of the way to work anyway and I'm already out of bed and moving.  So it's really just easier to get up and go to work.  Yuck.  That's a stupid option.

Let's Get Busy
January has been a pretty low key month.  Not alot of obligations.  I've loved it.  But I'm not really sure what to do with myself.  February and March hold more promise for keeping busy.  This weekend I have knitting class and a birthday party and the Superbowl.  Next weekend I have something planned for Friday night.  In March I'll be having a Stella and Dot party and a scrapbooking day.  Yay for having things to do!!  I also need to schedule a playdate with Troy, Katie and Tucker and then I need to find out if Katy M. and Michelle R. are available for dinner some weekend in the next couple of months.  I'm tired just thinking about it.

I Double Dog Dare You
When I was younger (you know, early- to mid-twenties), I dyed my hair all sorts of weird colors.  At one point it had streaks of blue, pink, purple, red and blond.  I worked for a summer camp at the time and the kids affectionately named me Rainbow Brite (with the help of my fellow counselors I'm sure, as kids that young shouldn't know who Rainbow Brite is).  I did this with no problem.  I am now contemplating dying my hair red (for real red...but only semi-permanent, like through 28 shampoos or something) and I am...scared.  What happened to me?  Did I get old?  Come on, faithful readers.  It's now your chance to tell me I'm not old.

What are y'all up to??

ugghh....

Jayna is 16 months old today.  No blog post ready.

Still have 2 Christmas gifts to buy. 

Still have a multitude of gifts to wrap.

Still have to bake things.  Should probably think about buying ingredients.  Oh, and then actually bake something.

Have 10+ gifts to assemble.  But need to bake first.  Damn the luck.

Have a Christmas party thingy at Chris' parents house on Wednesday. 

Have a Christmas Eve thingy at our house on...well, Christmas Eve. 

Need to clean house for Christmas Eve.

Need to buy food for Christmas Eve.

Need to tell people an actual time for Christmas Eve.

Need a drink from just thinking about all this shit.

And to top it off, this is how I feel...

Merry freakin' Christmas, y'all.

Losing Sleep

I'm not sure where this entry is going or what I'm trying to say, but here is the list of things I think about while I *should* be restfully sleeping:

• Our homeowner's insurance recently came up for renewal.  My agent contacted me and told me that she was going to get it requoted and that I may be able to save money if I bundled homeowner's and auto.  We tried doing this 5 years ago when we bought our house, but it wouldn't have saved us any money.  In November of 2006, Chris was in an accident...with a HUGE concrete flower pot.  He swerved to miss someone who was crossing traffic without paying attention and instead of totaling his car AND the other guy's car, he hit a huge ass concrete flower pot.  The other driver admitted fault and it is IN the police report.  We had to fight with Progressive to get it ruled as a no fault for Chris.  They changed the ruling and then out of principle (I'm known to do things like this out of principle) we switched insurance companies.  So, back to the present day...I got the new quotes on our homeowner's and auto bundled policy and the ruling has been switched back to fault for Chris.  What.  The.  F$%!*&^K?????   I'm still saving money with the bundled policy, but it's the principle of the matter.  I'm still deciding if I want to fight with Progressive over it.  Will it be worth the hassle??
• Jayna has been the perfect mix of cute/cuddly/lovable/happy and sneaky/frustrated/insane/whiny.  Yesterday she wouldn't leave my side.  She wanted me to hold her on the couch and rub her hair so she could watch Elmo.  And today she showered me in oatmeal and screamed at me because I was trying to feed her breakfast.  The joys of toddlers.
• I have a difficult time making decisions, but when I make one it's DONE.  Chris and I have been throwing around the idea of moving.  Our house is shrinking and it's very frustrating.  So, with the help of the new homebuyer's tax credit and some finagling with our mortgage, we ARE moving.  I've decided.  This will be news to my husband when he reads this.  That should be interesting.  We are probably going to have to take a small loss on our house, but that could be made up for if we get a steal on a new place.  We'll just have to see.
• I'm pretty sure I need to see a therapist.  I mean I *could* just go to the doctor and get a prescription for anti-depressants, but I'd rather try other means first.  I don't feel depressed, but I'm having a difficult time dealing with things.  There is no middle ground or rationale in my head these days.  Everything is the end of the world and I take things more personally now than I ever have in the past.  I think talking through some things would be beneficial.  I am writing about this here to try and remove some of the stigma.  I don't want to feel ashamed or admonished because of it and I hope it helps.  We'll see.