Workin' for a Livin'

Dudes!!!  Hey!!  I am indeed alive and well...and missing you. 

I have officially missed 4 Together on Tuesday topics.  But I'm not here to write one of those.  I'm here because...well, I sort of got lost. 

I lost what was important in life.  I lost my reasons for blogging.  I lost...I just got lost. That is all.

I don't talk about my job here.  Ever.  Okay, okay...occasionally I'll admit that I hate it (read: frustrated, I don't really hate it) and that I do have downtime.  That downtime is becoming more and more precious.  Soon, it will be non-existent, I'm sure.  So I don't really talk about work, but I'm going to focus on that for a moment.

I've been going through some changes at work and it had actually started to bleed over into my personal life...until last week.  I finished up a giant project last Tuesday evening.  And now that the actual WORK itself isn't bleeding over, the stress and unknown factors of the future and the excitement (?) and the anxiety is still doing just that...TAKING OVER MY PERSONAL LIFE.

I know this happens to many of you all often.  It does NOT, however, happen to me.  But things are changing and I must step up to the plate and accept, embrace and move along with these changes.  Within all of this, I am now training a new person to take my position...for when I take my mom's position...when she retires in 18 months.  That SOUNDS like a long time.  It isn't.  Trust me, friends.  I wear many different hats around there, as does she, and it will take all of 18 months to show and teach someone everything I do. 

So, in the figurative sense, I'm moving up.  But in the literal sense, I'm moving OVER.  I already know most of what my mom does.  And although I've sort of carved out and created my own position here, I have kept up with most things she does throughout my years here.  I am learning the things I don't know and refreshing my mind of the things I do know, but don't do often.  It's been a learning curve for me (because I'm learning new things AND teaching someone my job), for mom (because she has to teach me things), and for our newest victim assistant (because she's learning a hell of a lot of things already).

And I'll admit to y'all RIGHTNOW:  I'm anxious.  I'd even go so far as to say that I'm...gulp...SCARED. 

This will be a giant move for me in the area of responsibility.  Most things won't really change as far as what I do on a daily basis, but her job encompasses more responsibility than I've ever had in my entire life.  I won't have the "assistant" role anymore.  I won't be able to pass the phone to her when I don't know the answer.  I will be the one responsible for those answers.  And I'm am VERY slowly coming to terms with that.

Much to my surprise, this reality has taken it's toll on my mental capacities.  I haven't had much time to sit down and THINK of things to write.  I like to take my time at formulating blog entries.  I haven't even really had time to return emails or Facebook messages.  I keep up with the people and things that force me (and believe me, I AM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT THAT), but the people and things that don't have very unfortunately gotten pushed to the side.  And trust me when I say that I feel horrible about that.

You can't blame a sister for getting lost though, can you?

I'll be back soon with several more updates.  Hell,  my only child turned 4 over 2 months ago and I haven't blogged about it.  After I write what I feel needs to be written about my life itself, I'll get back on the ToT wagon.  I DO plan on making up my 4 missed entries.  Because I'm awesome. :)

And I'll leave you with this:

Ollie in a Brave wig.

Deuce (my mom's dog) in eyeball glasses.

 

That's what we do for laughs, y'all. :)

 

 

Three-Year-Olds: A New Breed

As a mother of a 3-year-old (I am fully aware that she isn't 3 yet.  It's just way easier to say that than almost-3-year-old), I know that I'm in for it. 

And by "it" I mean that my patience will be tried.  My will will be tested.  My persistence will be pushed to the limit.  And my sanity?  Well, that's long gone anyway.

A very common phrase in my parenting vocabulary is, and I quote, "Fine. I don't care.  Do whatever you want."  This is usually the context:

Jayna:  Mommy, can I go outside?
Me:  Sure, put on your flops.
Jayna:  I don't want to wear shoes.  It's summer anyway.  It's warm.
Me:  I don't want you to hurt your feet when you try to stop the swing.
Jayna:  I won't.  I don't want to wear shoes.
Me:  Put your shoes on!!  I'm the adult.  You aren't.  Put your shoes on.
Jayna:  But mommy, I don't like shoes all the time.
Me:  Fine.  I don't care.  Do whatever you want.

I'm slowly learning that I should choose my battles more wisely. 

I spent approximately 8 years of my childhood, give or take, shoeless.  So, really...who cares?  Me.  I do.  In the spirit of trying to be a responsible parent.  But in the process of the spirit of being a responsible parent (diagram THAT, Ms. Rhinesmith), I am in essence calling my parents irresponsible.  And, regardless if they were or not, I turned out okay.  And the fact that Jayna never wants to wear shoes probably won't prevent her from going to Harvard.  Or from joining the circus.  Probably one more than the other, but I'll support her either way.

This entire blog entry started out with a digression.  It's how I roll.

My long-winded point of the above example is that I know I'm in for it. 

I just didn't know just HOW "in" for "it" I was. 

Of course, there was no way of knowing that.  I guess I could've listened to my parents when they tried to warn me.  And I *almost* didn't smile when I typed that.

What it comes down to is that 3 years old comes with a whole new set of issues.  We're past the weaning of the boob/bottle.  We're past the sleeping in a crib.  We're past the potty training.  And we're on to more advanced con-artist techniques.  More sneaky "anti-truths."  More fluttering of those gorgeous little eyelashes  More elephant tears.  More hugging of the leg and "I love you, mommy." 

She's becoming me.

I mean me when I was little.  She isn't nearly as advanced as I am now.  And hopefully I can thwart that somehow until she moves out and is on her own.  In my dreams, I'm thinking.

She is sassy.  She uses my own words against me.  She repeats all of my favorite phrases and uses them in the correct context.  She thinks she's a mom.  Of me.  And that shit doesn't fly.

Jayna:  I don't want to brush my teeth!!
Me:  Too bad!! We brush our teeth EVERY morning.  Let's go.  We don't want to be late.
Jayna:  I don't want to!!
Me:  I don't care!  Let's go.
Jayna:  No, mommy...I DON'T CARE!!! Don't say 'I don't care' to me.  If you say that to me again, you get a time out.
Me:  Well, you just earned yourself a time out for sassing.  Go to the time out chair.
Jayna:  I don't have to go to time out if I don't want to.
Me:  Now you get 2 time outs.
Jayna:  I don't care!!!  If we're late for school, you're in trouble mommy!!!  No television!

Speechless.  She renders me speechless.  Partly because she's using my only act as her own.  And partly because if I speak, laughter will spill out of me.  It really is so funny and frustrating at the same time.

All of that brought me to this story:

Last week, our baby monitor broke.  I refuse to buy a new one seeing as how Jayna is 3 and we have no plans of having more children.  What I didn't realize was just how dependent I was upon that baby monitor.

Okay, I DID realize it.  I did.  And that's why I still kept it.  Because I love to hear her sing herself to sleep.  Call me a sap.

But, in my defense, she was apparently dependent upon it also.  She found comfort that we could hear her if she needed something.  And she no longer has that.

At first, we just didn't tell her that it broke.  We just listened for her with our ears (and in our TINY house that isn't hard) and went from there.  Well, Monday night, Chris and I spent some time outside after Jayna went to bed. 

And then pandamonium ensued.

I went in to get a drink and heard Jayna crying.  I went to her room and asked what was wrong.  She had to potty.  So we went potty.  I asked her how long she'd been crying...she said "a long time."  I felt bad because she did look as though she had been crying for some time.  As she was going potty, I told her that the baby monitor broke and that Chris and I couldn't hear her anymore if we were outside or in certain places in the house.  I told her that if she needed to go potty that she had to get up, come out of her room and find one of us.  Easy enough.

**WRONG ANSWER!!!!  Sorry..."Toooooooo Easy" was what we were looking for.  Your consolation prize is waiting for you:  An undisclosed amount of nights of the 3-year-old getting out of her bed  no less than 80 times in a given night at various times allowing you NO free time after she goes to bed.**

How is that a consolation??  Yeah...it isn't.

I put her back in bed.  I picked up the phone and dialed it.  I said, "Hi...."  and then I turned around.  There she was...just standing behind me.  "I'll call you back."

I looked at Jayna and said, "What do you need?"  She responded with, "Umm...I...uhh....have to potty?"  And put her hands in the air and shrugged her shoulders.

Potty, my ass.  She just had to test my "get up, come out of your room and find me" theory.

I put her back in bed and explained to her that she couldn't just get up whenever she wanted to for whatever reason.  My words:  "If you get out of your bed and come find me, it has to be for a good reason...like you have to potty.  You can't just get up whenever you want.  It's bedtime."

She got up one more time after that and then went to sleep.  I was just SURE that I disarmed the situation.

Wow...I'm 2 for 2 on the wrong answers.  I have so much faith in myself as a parent. 

Yesterday was a challenge.  The whole day.  She was okay in the morning aside from one small fit that was ignored.  And she stopped.

I'm starting to think that ignoring the kid is the way to go.  If I ignore her, she stops doing what I want her to stop doing. 

"But you can't just ignore you kid all the time, lady.  I think there's a name for that...and it is 'neglect.'"

But what if I promise to only ignore her when she's being A CRAZED LUNATIC.  Will that be okay?  Yes it will.  I think that's what I'm supposed to do when she throws a fit anyway.  It'll be nice to try doing something the "right" way for once.

So last night was horrible.  It started with a heated argument and fit in the car.  She got a time out for sassing and what I believe to be cursing at me.  It was said through lots of tears, but it sure did sound like she said, "What the hell you say to me, mommy?"  I let that slide based on the fact that she had already gotten a time out.

By the time we got to dinner time, she'd had 3 time outs and gotten television taken away.  That, my friends, is unheard of for Miss Jaynie.

After dinner was a bit more subdued.  And then a screaming fit at bathtime.

Finally we were at bedtime and I couldn't have been more excited.  I was over the fits and the sassing and the screaming and the crying and the throwing herself on the floor.

Oh, and the falling down on the floor and then saying, "You knocked me down, mommy."  I forgot to mention that one.  And that one just straight up pisses me off.  I was nowhere NEAR her at those times when she fell down on the floor and said that.  And I won't stand for that.  That one earns her a one-way ticket to a 3 minute time out (her time outs are still 1-2 minutes because we don't have to do it that often.).

She went potty and then went to bed.  Chris and I went out to the patio thinking that she'd go right to sleep because she was super tired.  Hence all the bad behavior.

And her second wind kicked in. 

I was in the house trying on a dress I'd bought.  She came storming in my bedroom.  "I have to potty!!"

Three drops of pee later, she was back in her bed.

I was sitting at the patio table.  I thought I heard something behind me.  She was standing at the sliding door knocking.  I went in and asked her what was wrong.  "Something's itching me in my bed."

A bed inspection and a lame-ass "Maybe it's the tag on your blanket." excuse on my part later, she was back in bed again.

Repeat the sliding door routine.

I sent Chris this time.  He changed her shorts because they were itching her and put her back in bed.

Repeat the sliding door routine.

I went in and asked her what was wrong.  "My bottom itches."

I wiped her with some baby wipes and put her back to bed.  This time I decided to stay in because I was tired of going in and out.

She began to cry about 5 minutes later. 

I went into her room. "I still itch."

I put lotion on her and told her that it made it so she would NOT itch anymore. (Keep in mind that when I would ask her where she itched, she'd point to a different random body part everytime.  With absolutely NO evidence of scratching.)

She began to cry 5 minutes later.

I sent Chris.  "I heard a noise."

He told her to stop crying and getting up and GO TO SLEEP.

She began to cry 5 minutes later.

I went in and...I'm not sure what I said.  But she barely made a peep after that time.

What did I WANT to say to her?  GO THE F**K TO SLEEP.

When I posted on Facebook about this problem last night, I got a link to that book.  Yes, it is a real book.  There is also a Youtube video of Samuel L. Jackson reading it, but to view it, you have to sign in.  If any of you parents would like to read it and NOT buy it, I have it saved as a PDF file that I can email (Thanks, Kellie!!).  Leave your email in the comments (don't worry, I won't publish if you don't want me to) and I'll send it along.  It's refreshing.

While it isn't a book that helped...or even a book that I could read to Jayna, it made me realize that I'm not the first parent that's gone through this.  And I won't be the last.

Keep calm and carry on.  And then write a book about how you feel...without holding back.  I apparently worked for Adam Mansbach.

I don't know how long this will last, but one thing is for sure:  WHEN THIS ISSUE PUTS ITSELF TO REST, THERE WILL BE 3 NEW ONES TO REPLACE IT.

I'm sooo freakin' in for it.

Random Wednesday Lists: Train of Thought

Here are some random lists that are going through my head:

Things Jayna is now afraid of:

*  The dark
*  Shadows
*  Patrick Star from Spongebob
*  Any sort of mask/glasses/mustache combo
*  The bathroom
*  Her bedroom when no one else is in there even if the light is on
*  The living room
*  The hobby room
*  Every room in our house except the kitchen when the light is on
*  Being anywhere alone (and Ollie doesn't count as a being)
*  The TV when it's turned off (I think there's a bigger problem there...)
*  The TV when a recorded show ends and the screen turns blue
*  Loud noises
*  The wind (okay, not really...but may as well be)


Races I'm running:

*  Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure - 5K In Honor of Saffron Yarbrough
*  March of Dimes March for Babies - 5K Inspired to run and raise money by Kayla Aimee and baby Scarlette
*  One America 500 Festival Mini Marathon - 13.1 miles...I'm aiming for half at this point
*  More to come after I assess the situation after the Mini.


A few of the dreams I've had while taking Medrol (a steroid for my crazy rash):

Just a quick note about this before the list...the doctor NEVER mentioned anything about crazy dreams, but upon further research, I've discovered that it's fairly common to have very vivid nightmares/dreams while taking steroids like Prednisone or Medrol.  Maybe she didn't want me to have psychosomatic side effects, but it was really scary the first night.  These dreams are REAL and I wake up EVERYTIME disoriented and doing whatever motion I was doing in my dream.

*  Swinging with Jayna (I woke up rocking as if I were swinging on a swing) and she fell out of the swing and got stabbed with a stick.  I gasped when I woke up and checked on her.  I was unsure of how we got from the backyard to our beds in such a short amount of time.  I remember thinking, "She still needs a bath!!!"
*  A college class about teeth in which I had to shuffle through a row of people in a lecture hall to the very last seat at the other end of the row when I could've just started at the other end.  I then failed the class because all my teeth fell out in class.  I woke up SITTING UP on the side of the bed and shuffling my feet on the floor while checking my mouth for teeth.
*  Chris giving birth to a bouncing baby girl.  I...won't go into detail.  It was quite the strange dream and again...I woke up and had to check our house for another baby before I realized that I was awake and that...wait for it....CHRIS CAN'T HAVE BABIES.
*  Morgan has been in almost every dream.  Once he was sailing a boat.  Once he was fighting a bear (we'll get to that one) and once he went to Old Indiana with me (that one's next).
*  I went to Old Indiana with the Quags family, my friend Holly, Morgan and my mom.  We were on our way there and got lost.  We found this house that morphed into trees and plants and got so caught up in how cool it was that we forgot to go to Old Indiana and then it closed. (It is, in fact, closed, by the way.)  Morgan just constantly barked at the morphing house. 
*  I went on vacation with Chris, Jayna, Michelle R., Ellie and some other people.  Jayna and Ellie were running back and forth in front of a HUGE window.  An old lady yelled at them for running in the hall so they ran THROUGH the window instead just to piss her off.  They were completely unharmed, but they knocked over a fish tank in the process and I woke up picking up fish off of our bed.
*  And last night...I had some people over to my house to have a backyard party (it was actually my mom's backyard).  There was a bear in my backyard.  We blocked the deck with a baby gate so the bear wouldn't get us.  He came around to the other deck entrance and Morgan attacked the bear.  The bear was then really pissed off so I yelled at it and told it to go away and it went and hid behind our shed.  I woke up sweating and REALLY scared because while I was asleep having a dream about a bear that I **should have** been afraid of, I wasn't afraid of it in the dream.  My half-awake self was telling my subconscious dream self to be afraid of the bear.  I was afraid for my OWN life in my OWN dream.  I'm probably doing a shitty job of explaining that, but it was really crazy.


What I need at the grocery store/Target:

*  Eggs
*  Jayna's milk
*  Cranberry juice
*  Potato chips
*  Hot dog buns
*  Six pack of beer
*  Body wash
*  Listerine
*  Oatmeal

Do YOU have a list to make??

Melancholy Monday: Me

I've realized that I don't just write directly about myself very often.  I write about things I do and about my kid and my dogs and my husband and other things, but I don't write just about me.  As in, "Hey there!!  How ya doin, kid??"  And then I'd answer. 

Probably because I don't *like* to answer that question.  My default answer would be, "I'm okay."  And that makes for a pretty boring blog entry.

I've debated since last Thursday as to whether I'd even write this entry.  And then as I was lying awake last night, a very profound and important answer came to me...."Whatever."

Yes, you read that right.  I said, "Whatever."  That was it.  I asked myself a question and the answer I received back was, "Whatever."  And at 3:30am, it seemed very profound.

So apparently I'm okay with writing about this now.

I supposed I just needed 3 or 4 days to process everything. 

And it is highly likely that I'm making this a bigger deal than it is.  Which is, in turn, probably why I've typed 2 dozen sentences and y'all don't even know what I'm talking about yet.

Last Thursday I had my annual doctor visit with my women's health doctor.  No, not JUST the lady doctor...she does way more than that.  She is by far the best and most attentive doctor I've ever had. 

To catch you up, there are a few things you should know.  I have a rash all over my whole body.  I've written about this before, but not to a great degree.  It started about a week after I began running (which is why it's always been attributed to sweat/heat).  It doesn't itch.  It doesn't burn.  It was sort of misdiagnosed by a nurse practitioner as either heat or sweat (prickly heat) rash.  I'd been applying hydrocortisone cream and water-based lotion to no avail.  The stupid rash kept spreading and was getting WAY worse. 

When the assistant at the doctor's office took my blood pressure and asked me a jillion questions that didn't even really seem to pertain to my health, she also asked me if I had any additional questions/concerns for the doctor.  And I mentioned the rash.  The doctor was going to see it anyway.

She looked at it and was immediately afraid to touch me after that.  Good grief.  Anyhoo, she said she'd write it down...and write it down she did.

So the doc comes in and asks me immediately, "So what is this rash??"  I showed her and she actually became concerned.  I then told her the story that I wrote above.  She looked up a few things in a book and said, "Have you been dealing with a great deal of stress or anxiety?"  Huh.

I referenced the fact that I was trying to run 13 miles.  She laughed.  "Oh you...you can't train from nothing to run 13 miles in only 5 months.  Really."  And then she asked me 20 other questions like if I'd changed my laundry detergent or body soap.  Nope.  Haven't changed a thing.

So then she says, "Why are you shaking your foot? Are you nervous about being here?  I don't remember you ever being nervous here."  I was NOT, in fact, nervous.  I LOVE my doctor and I have never been afraid of doctors.  Not even "that doctor." 

She then said, "You're also picking at your fingernails."  That didn't surprise me.  If you know me, you know that I was an avid nail biter until around 4 years ago.  Now I occasionally just pick at my cuticles.  Classy, I know.

Then we talk about the running a little more and, seemingly out of the blue, she says, "I'm going to go get an anxiety questionaire.  I think that's a good place to start."  Oh dear.

She asked me loads of questions.  She then asked, "Have you lost a loved one?  Someone close to you?"  I replied with, "I lost my best friend.  My dog Morgan."

HOLY SHIT!!!  Where the hell did that come from??  I didn't even tell myself to say that.  Seriously.  And then I started crying right there in the room with the doctor watching me and telling me that it would be okay.  Geez. 

I was pretty sure that I had turned a corner last month sometime.  Apparently I turned right when I should've turned left.

I really didn't know that that situation was still bothering me that much. 

She then may or may not have mentioned to me that I had talked about running like it was a job and not a hobby or goal.  Ugh.  And that I was kidding myself if I thought I'd be able to run the entire mini.  While deep down I know she's right, it's really difficult to HEAR things like that.

I told her that I'd had a couple of bad days here and there, but overall I thought I was okay.  She asked me to explain my worst day.  After talking about that day, she said, "You know, it sounds like you were on the edge of a panic attack."  Woah.

She then diagnosed my rash as something that was 5 words long, had only 2 vowels, and was almost unable to be pronounced.  And she said, "This rash, like most, is HIGHLY exacerbated by stress and anxiety.  I've not seen it to this degree."  Oh.

So she took some blood, or a LOT of it, and told me she'd also test me for a battery of things in case the anxiety and rash were part of a bigger problem.  After 9 tubes, I got a little antsy.  What was she testing me for??

I never did get a straight answer on that as the phlebotomist wasn't at liberty to answer my questions.  My doctor just kept telling me, "When I see you again in 3 months, you'll be a brand new person.  I just KNOW it!!"

Two prescriptions for the rash and an anxiety med that I can take only if I feel I need it.  I'm okay with all of that.

I've never had problems with stress or anxiety to the degree that a doctor noticed.  My doctor also did not pressure me to take anti-depressants or anxiety meds.  She said it was only one of many options and gave me the run-down on what she thought would help.  First and foremost...I should reduce the amount of self-imposed stress. 

I struggled with that a first, as it basically means that I have to stop with running goals that are, at this time, out of my reach.  I've since re-evaluated my life, my limits (time and physical) and my sanity.  They're all sort of in the crapper right now.  So a re-evaluation was needed. 

My life right now will NOT allow me to train hard enough to run the bulk of the mini.  I have a family and a job and shit to do.  Seriously.  My time limits are being tested on a daily basis as I struggle with making time to go to the gym or run outside.  My physical limits are being tested on account of the fact that I went from pretty much NO exercised to a WHOLE BUNCH of it.  My right knee is currently in a compression brace to stop the ache.  And these days it seems that I LIVE on the edge of sanity.  Which means insanity is right over the line I'm toeing. 

I can't keep up with myself.  It's so much more than frustrating that I can't even put it into words. 

I NEVER want running to become a chore.  I LOVE it and I want to continue doing it for a LOT of years.  I want to run mini-marathons and 5Ks and such and have fun.  And be healthy.  I don't want to be a ball of anxiety that forces herself to go to the gym for the sake of being there.  That's not how I do. 

Where does this leave me?

No more running stress.  More realistic goals.  Less worrying if I don't exactly reach those goals. 

I've now committed myself to 3 training days a week.  I'll do 2 weekdays and one weekend day.  I'll do short runs on the weekdays and a long run on the weekend.  That's what I can do at this point.  Time with my growing child who will NOT be a toddler forever is WAY more important to me than a stupid race.

My short(er) term goal is to run 6.5 miles of the mini.  That's around half.  If I do that all at once...awesome.  If I do 2 or 3 shorter runs...awesome. 

Long term goal?  What is THAT???  :)  Long term goal is to run the 2012 mini and....run THE WHOLE THING.  Seriously.  Y'all just watch. 

In regards to Morgan...time.  And hugs.  If you see me, it's highly likely that I'll need a hug.  If I cry, don't feel bad.  I'm just crying tears of joy that I have good friends and family who allow me to be crazy but then help bring me back to earth.  And don't judge me the whole time. :)

I love you all.

Mulligan Monday: I need a do-over.

Yikes.  Rough day...but only mentally.

I can't focus on anything.  I'm really preoccupied with a situation that happened over the weekend and I'm pretty sure that I will not rest easily until the mystery is solved.

Jayna has been sick.  She has strep.  That means she's been eating lots of junk food and watching hours of television.  Seriously.  What else is there to do when you're sick??  If she gets too worked up, she starts coughing to the point of gagging, so cuddled on the couch it is.

She was dilligently watching Spongebob on Saturday afternoon while eating her lunch.  I was in the shower as I had just gotten back from a long and sweaty run.  Chris was loading the dishwasher.  While in the middle of my shower I heard a terrified scream from the living room.  I yelled out of the shower (because, yes, the door was open.  I don't get an ounce of privacy at home) to make sure she was okay.  Chris' reply was, "Yes, Patrick looked a little bit scary."  Which was what Jayna had reported to him.

That kid was absolutely horrified.  I've never heard her scream like that from being afraid.  It made me nervous.

I asked Chris about the situation and he said, "Yeah...he was sort of creepy looking.  He had weird eyebrows and a goatee and his face was really chiseled.  Sort of freaky."  So not only did it scare the shit out of a 2-year-old, it freaked out an adult.  I asked about which episode it was because I wanted to investigate further and see for myself if this was something to be afraid of or if this was like when Jayna decided she was afraid of shadows.  And......I can't find it.

The information I have is as follows:  It was at the very beginning of the episode.  Spongebob and Patrick were in what Chris thought was a bar (presumably the ice cream place or the Weenie Hut).  Spongebob was teary-eyed like he was going to cry or had just cried.  And then it cut to Patrick with this weird eyebrow/goatee/facial structure thing going on. 

And then the kid screamed with terror.

In the past 48 hours I've watched no less than 30 episodes of Spongebob. 

Until I solve this, I'm not sure I can blog about anything else.  Seriously.  It's consuming me. 

That doesn't make me weird, right?  RIGHT?!?

I never WANTED tomorrow to come.

I never WANTED tomorrow to come.  I knew it WOULD come...eventually.  I know it NEEDS to come.  I know.  But I don't have to like it.  And I never will.

Tomorrow I will ride in the car with my beloved Captain Morgan to the veterinary office...and then leave that office....without him.  Without him.  I will leave without him and will never see the physical him again.  Never.

This decision has been the most difficult decision I've ever had a hand in making.  It has been on it's way for some time, as most of you know, but I never WANTED it to be this way.  I don't know exactly how I wanted it, but this definitely wasn't it.

With this decision comes so many conflicting feelings...so many "but" statements.  He's still eating and drinking and going to the bathroom outside, BUT he is in constant pain and can barely walk and sleeps approximately 20 hours out of the day...but never actually "sleeps."  He is only 10.5 years old, BUT he is a large breed dog with not one but TWO breeds of dog that have known hip/joint/dysplasia problems.  THIS ISN'T EFFING FAIR, BUT life rarely is.  We shouldn't make this decision for him, BUT he can't make it on his own. 

We must advocate for him.  We must do what we think we cannot do and ease his everyday, 24 hour a day, pain.  We must.  Because we love him.  Because we don't want him to suffer anymore.  Because the look in his eyes alone when he falls tells me that he...doesn't want to do this anymore.  He is well on his way to giving up.  And I don't want this to progress to that level.

There are multiple falls a day.  Many simply because he can't hold himself up on his nimble and degenerating legs.  Many off the couch as he tries like hell to climb up and just be comfortable for a few minutes.  And many into Jayna, into me, into Chris...and into every wall and piece of furniture we own.  I'm sure if his fur were gone, we'd see more bruises than fleshtone.

I am quite literally losing a member of my family tomorrow...forever.  FOREVER. 

I don't expect you all to sympathize or understand.  He is a dog after all.  But he is a dog that has been a part of my life for almost 11 years.  He is a dog that has protected me time and again from any perceived danger.  He has lifted me up when I have been down.  He has brought more joy to my life than I ever thought possible from an animal. 

Taking him home with me that day 10 years ago was one of the best decisions I've ever made.  And now I must help make a decision that almost blows that one out of the water.  But not really in a good way.

I will miss him for years to come.  I already miss him.  But I just want him to rest peacefully.

And I never WANTED tomorrow to come.

Morgan Monday: September

Okay, not actually "through" the years, but...well...here you go...just see for yourself:

(circa September 2000)

You see that little tiny black dog there??  Yeah...he grew up to be...

(circa September 2010)

THIS!!! 

Please pardon the quality of the first photo.  It's from 10+ years ago and had to be scanned.

I am having a particularly frustrating morning and Chris just brought that top picture into me and said, "There.  Your day just got better."

And it did.  For a minute. 

Until I remembered that we'll probably only get another couple of months with Moe.  And then I cried like a baby.  At work.  His condition is NOT improving in the least.  He continues to struggle just to walk and sleeps probably 20 hours out of the day.  He doesn't seem to be in much pain (probably due to meds), but he isn't struggling any less either.  And while I can't bear the thought of him not being around, I also can't bear the thought of him living like this for years to come.  I won't make him do that.

The thing that makes this soooo difficult is that we'll probably have to make this decision for him.  That scares the shit out of me.  I keep thinking that ANY DAY NOW he'll start to turn around.  But he doesn't.  He's never comfortable.  He hasn't slept through the night in atleast 2 months.  Which means that neither have I.  We're spending a gajillion dollars on special dog food that has seemingly NO effect.  He's been on it for 9 weeks now and there's been absolutely NO change. 

I also keep thinking that after winter we'll be able to get him out and walking and such...but in reality that isn't going to happen.  We won't be able to reverse the damage.  It's done...and it's nothing of our doing.  But that isn't at all comforting.

This is by far the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with.  I just wish we could go back to the second picture...which was taken in September of this year.  Hell, you know...I'll take EITHER September at this point.  I'll go through all of the chewing and bad puppy behavior and everything if it means he'll still be here.

I just want to go back to September.  Close your eyes with me...and now tap your heels...

There's no place like September.  There's no place like September.  There's no place like September.

Whiny Wednesday: Blah Blah Blah

**Note:  If you don't want to hear me whine, then stop reading.....NOW.  I don't feel like I whine too very much on the ole blogaroo, but it's MY blog and I want to whine, DAMMIT.  So there.**

Jayna has strep throat.  On Saturday night, she slept for 13 hours.  When I woke her up on Sunday morning, not yet knowing she was sick, she was majorly irritated with the fact that I woke her up.  So I let her lounge around and hang out in her pajamas almost all day.  She fell asleep on the couch watching Muppets from Space...and that is UNHEARD OF.  My kid doesn't fall asleep on the couch...especially whilst watching her beloved Muppets.  She even looked at me and said, "I turn around (meaning "over") now and take night night."  And that she did.

She slept for 2 hours and then frantically awoke in a panic.  I knew then that her fever had broken and she was slightly disoriented and sweating buckets.  Poor kid. 

On Sunday, she ate 20-something raisins, 4 french fries and 3 Doritos.  End of story.  She wouldn't even eat a brownie.  I had to force her to drink.

I stayed home with her Monday morning so she could sleep in.  I called her doc as soon as they opened, gave them her symptoms (decreased appetite, very little urination, fever of around 101, lethargy and general discomfort) and asked them if I should bring her in.  I was told that there were several viral things going around and that if her fever went away by Tuesday evening then it was probably viral.  But if her fever spiked to bring her in or take her to the emergency room.

I then promptly took her to Summer and came to work...2 hours late.

When I picked her up at 3:30pm, she looked like she'd been run over by a MACK truck.  She still had a low fever, but she really looked like hell.  I called the doc to make her an appointment.  I didn't really care what they thought at that point in time.  She was going to see a doctor.  I was told to bring her right away.

When we got there she was a crying mess.  She wanted to go home and sit on the couch.  She had been complaining a little that it hurt when she peed.  So they took a urine sample and did a urinalysis.  It didn't show any immediate signs of infection, so they sent it to be cultured.  She was examined by her doc and ended up having a strep test done.  And it was positive.

Hello, Amoxicillin.  It's been a long time...but not nearly long enough.

I received a call today that there is in actuality a contaminant in her urine also.  The Amox should clear it up, but we'll see.  Poor poor baby.

I also forgot to mention that Chris was out of town Sunday and Monday.

Monday was the worst...I had to lug her around to get her meds and some mushy/cold foods to eat.  And she was exhuasted.  But I really had no choice.  She HAD to have that antibiotic on Monday night.

I had to do that all by myself.  There's nothing like determining that you're co-dependent. :)  I did survive and do everything that I was supposed to (and then collapsed after the kid went to bed), but I sure as HELL didn't LIKE it.

She seems to be getting better.  I suppose we'll see.

And I'd like to say, FOR THE RECORD:  Major props to all the single parents/parents with traveling spouses.  I don't know how y'all do it.  You have my full respect as parents to little ones (or big ones).

Here's to a new day!!

Five for Friday: At A Loss

Some weird and out of place things have happened to me in the last week.  I don't....even know what to say.  So:

1. Chris and I began naming our baby before we even conceived a baby.  We decided that we wanted to have a baby around Christmas time of 2007.  We knew it would be atleast 6 months before we even tried, but we began talking about names shortly after Christmas of 2007.  By mid-December of 2008, right around the time I found out I was pregnant, we had already decided on a girl's name.  And that name was Jayna Madison.  Neither one of us had ever known anyone with the name Jayna and we've met a very limited number of people who have known a Jayna.  My grandmother is in town right now and told my mom just 3 days ago that "she named that baby" (that baby being my kid Jayna who was named before she was conceived).  WHAT THE F#*^($%??????  How is that even POSSIBLE??  My grandmother is elderly, but I was SURE that she was still of sound mind.  I guess not.
2. I got fleas today at work.  I know, right??  "But Danielle, you work in an office.  How the hell did you get fleas??"  Well, gentle reader, we have an extra warehouse to store things like, you know, carpet in that isn't in the greatest of shape.  It is our opinion that there are several feral cats living in there although we rarely see them.  Our warehouse guy (my brother) went to said extra warehouse today, picked up a carton of carpet tile and about 3 million (give or take) fleas jumped onto him.  It should be said that my mom brings her dog to work with her.  He is a small white bichon.  The first thing my brother does, KNOWING THAT HE HAS FLEAS ON HIM, is come back to our office, come in the door and say, "I have fleas."  They are now ALL OVER the dog and all over our office.  They've been jumping on our ankles and shirts and things.  The office is being bombed tonight.  The dog is on flea medicine, so he'll be okay.  But we still don't want our office OR OUR HOUSES infested with fleas.  I HEART MY AWESOME JOB!!!
3. I am The World's Greatest Procrastinator.  I really should have a trophy.  No, really.  I should.  I was up until 11:45pm putting together baby scrapbooks for a friend to give as a gift.  Why do I do this to myself??  For those of you who don't know me well, I DON'T DO WELL ON LIMITED SLEEP.  Napping is a hobby to me.  I am definitely dragging ass today.
4. My real estate teacher got fired.  I haven't ever blogged about him before, but I should have.  He was a giant douchebag.  I don't use that word very often, but there is no other better fitting word in this situation.  He constantly went off subject, told very crude jokes (that I always thought were funny IF WE WERE IN A BAR AND NOT AN INSTITUTION OF LEARNING), and offended everyone in the class to some degree.  And then he'd say things like, "Well, I don't care if you learn it.  I already have my license."  Or, "I don't know why I'm wasting my time on you guys since most of you are going part time anyway."  Or, "Oh, you're from Shelbyville?  I'll talk slower."  Or, "Jeff is pissed at me, but I don't care.  What's he gonna do, fire me?  Whatever, I own this place."  Well, joke's on you, assclown!!  Bazinga!!
5. I can't focus on anything else right now because I seriously ITCH ALL OVER.  I need a flea bath.  Gross.

Make It Mine Monday: Tuesday Edition AGAIN

I realize that I'm a lame blogger.  I shouldn't name blog entries after days of the week if I can't actually stick to writing those entries ON THE DAY THEY'RE NAMED AFTER.  I know.  I know.  I said I know.

What I really want today is a personal assistant.  That I don't have to pay. :)

It seems that I don't have time to do anything.  This week most of my time is going to studying for my first test in my real estate class.  That is on Thursday.  It will cover chapters 1 through 9.  I've currently outlined and read chapters 1 through 5.  That's just not good enough.  I've been staying up until atleast 11pm and getting up at 5:15am.  I'm tired.  And when I do go to bed I can't sleep.  BOO TO THAT!!!

I also need to get Jayna's invitations made and sent out.  I hope to get that done at the lake this weekend.  If any of you readers would like an invitation to Jayna's party, let me know.  I'd be happy for you all to come, but I don't want to be that person who invites people who don't want to come or the one who people think invites people just for gifts. 

I also still have to get the triplet scrapbooks done.  I am ever so grateful to Summer for helping me with that.  Hopefully they get done before the shower...whenever that may be. 

I also need to think about what I'm going to do with this real estate license.  I have to work for a broker for one full year before I can get a broker's license.  Who knows where that will take me. 

I need help!!

TMI Tuesday

Yesterday I was unable to blog.  Why, you ask?  Well, because I was suffering a horrendous lower intestinal virus of some sort.  I spent the better part of the day either in the bathroom or curled up in a ball on my couch because of the stomach cramping. 

What did I want for Make It Mine Monday?  A new stomach and lower intestine.  Enough said.

I won't go into the fabulous details too much, but suffice it to say that Jayna also got this virus and had FIVE dirty diapers yesterday.  And all she wanted to do was sit on the couch with us.  There was no puking, just diarrhea.  Horrible diarrhea.  Which is why I've decided that it wasn't a stomach virus, but an intestinal one.

I seem to be fine today, but I was under the very strong impression yesterday that I was on the edge of death.  I was also sick on Sunday, but I summed it up to eating bad food and drinking just a tad bit too much on Saturday night.  Looks like I was wrong and I was really sick.

There you go.  You've now had a good dose of "Things You Didn't Care To Know" regarding my intestines.  Hope your day goes well!! :)

Five for Friday: Things I Want to Learn

I recently had a friend ask me to help her with her child's first birthday party cake.  I was under the impression she wanted a cupcake tower...and I'm good at that.  I'm no professional, but I can hold my own.  Well, she then told me that she wanted a cake.  Just a flat cake.  And I can't do that.  I can't, for the life of me, neatly ice a flat cake with a knife.  I've tried.  Boy, have I tried.  And I just CAN'T do it!

I've decided that over the course of the next year that I will learn how to ice a flat cake and make it look professional.  And here is the list of things I want to learn:

1. How to properly and neatly ice a flat cake with an icing knife.  See above rant.
2. How to start our lawn mower.  I know, I know.  "That stupid girl!!  She can't even start a lawn mower!"  Don't judge me.  My husband very reliably mows our lawn every week and never asks me for help.  One week I offered to do it for him and he wouldn't have it.  I thought to myself, "I'll just go out there and start when you aren't looking."  And then it occurred to me that I don't even know how to start the damn thing.
3. How to use/read a compass.  I was never a boy scout.  Or a girl scout, for that matter.  I have been taught how to read a compass atleast 11 times, but I don't remember.  One of those times was only a couple of years ago, but I was about 6 cocktails in by that time.  So I definitely don't remember that time.
4. How to prune plants.  I decided to plant flowers this year.  They looked so pretty for about a month and now they're all going through their first "dying off and growing new" phase.  They look pretty bad and could use some attention.  But I don't know if I should just leave them alone or cut them with scissors (as my aunt who is a gardener does) or just pluck or pull off the dead stuff with my hands.  Maybe the interwebs would be a good source of information about this matter.
5. How to make my dog STOP REPEATEDLY WAKING ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR STUPID SHIT.  Stupid shit as in wanting to go outside to smell the air.  Or to just look at me.  Last night he woke me up 5 or 6 times for mostly nothing.  I think the answer to this one is to make him an outdoor dog.  But then he'd just stand out there and bark all night.

What are y'all learning these days??

The Thanksgiving That Wasn't

I took a total of three pictures on Thanksgiving.  And none of them are of actual Thanksgiving.  Go figure.

I took one of Jayna and Chris chillin' on the couch in the early morning hours and two of Jayna completely zonked out in the car on the way home.  Truthfully, the zonked out picture says it all.

Thanksgiving seemed a little strange to me this year.  Maybe it was because I felt like hell.  I had a mega-cold and sneezed probably 35 times (not exaggerating) before we even left our house.  Maybe it was because we had the time constraint of a growing 15-month-old.  She took a 2 hour nap on Thursday morning and we though she'd be good until 5 or so.  Nope.  She was ready for a nap at around 2:30pm.  Why was she so sleepy?  That part comes next...I think.

On Thanksgiving day and the day after, Jayna had about 10 dirty diapers...diarrhea.  Fun times.  Poor kid.  Her belly troubles began before she even ate Thanksgiving dinner, but we just thought the ravioli from Wednesday night didn't agree with her.  We were apparently wrong.  Some ravioli doesn't cause severe diarrhea.  She also woke up quite a few times that night.

At around 10:00pm, I was in the same boat as Jayna.  Virus much?  So I slept about 2.5 hours Thanksgiving night.  Chris' parents came over to our house that night instead of us going over there...and good thing.  We probably would've run out of diapers at their house.  And besides that I really felt like dying.  I haven't had a cold this bad in a LONG time.  I just want to sleep.

So all in all, I just didn't feel the Thanksgiving spirit this year.  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday...mostly because the only expectations are to eat too much and to make enough to have leftovers for a week.  But this year it just didn't seem so.  Christmas is right around the corner, so we'll try again.

How did y'all fare this Turkey Day??

Losing Sleep

I'm not sure where this entry is going or what I'm trying to say, but here is the list of things I think about while I *should* be restfully sleeping:

• Our homeowner's insurance recently came up for renewal.  My agent contacted me and told me that she was going to get it requoted and that I may be able to save money if I bundled homeowner's and auto.  We tried doing this 5 years ago when we bought our house, but it wouldn't have saved us any money.  In November of 2006, Chris was in an accident...with a HUGE concrete flower pot.  He swerved to miss someone who was crossing traffic without paying attention and instead of totaling his car AND the other guy's car, he hit a huge ass concrete flower pot.  The other driver admitted fault and it is IN the police report.  We had to fight with Progressive to get it ruled as a no fault for Chris.  They changed the ruling and then out of principle (I'm known to do things like this out of principle) we switched insurance companies.  So, back to the present day...I got the new quotes on our homeowner's and auto bundled policy and the ruling has been switched back to fault for Chris.  What.  The.  F$%!*&^K?????   I'm still saving money with the bundled policy, but it's the principle of the matter.  I'm still deciding if I want to fight with Progressive over it.  Will it be worth the hassle??
• Jayna has been the perfect mix of cute/cuddly/lovable/happy and sneaky/frustrated/insane/whiny.  Yesterday she wouldn't leave my side.  She wanted me to hold her on the couch and rub her hair so she could watch Elmo.  And today she showered me in oatmeal and screamed at me because I was trying to feed her breakfast.  The joys of toddlers.
• I have a difficult time making decisions, but when I make one it's DONE.  Chris and I have been throwing around the idea of moving.  Our house is shrinking and it's very frustrating.  So, with the help of the new homebuyer's tax credit and some finagling with our mortgage, we ARE moving.  I've decided.  This will be news to my husband when he reads this.  That should be interesting.  We are probably going to have to take a small loss on our house, but that could be made up for if we get a steal on a new place.  We'll just have to see.
• I'm pretty sure I need to see a therapist.  I mean I *could* just go to the doctor and get a prescription for anti-depressants, but I'd rather try other means first.  I don't feel depressed, but I'm having a difficult time dealing with things.  There is no middle ground or rationale in my head these days.  Everything is the end of the world and I take things more personally now than I ever have in the past.  I think talking through some things would be beneficial.  I am writing about this here to try and remove some of the stigma.  I don't want to feel ashamed or admonished because of it and I hope it helps.  We'll see.

Circle the calendar...

...because you will NEVER hear me say this (errr...read me typing this) again.

I should have gone to work yesterday.

It's a funny story, really. Or not at all. I've had a cold for the past week. It was at it's worst on Sunday, but I got a good amount of sleep Sunday night, so I seemed to be getting better. Monday turned out to be just as bad. And Monday night? Even worse.

Jayna is now on her sixth ear infection. She is having some draining of fluid from her ears and she's been waking up in the middle of the night coughing. It's very sad. I can't stand it. She coughs so hard that she chokes. Yuck. Well, Monday night I took some Tylenol PM and a decongestant. I've taken this combo plenty of times. It's the exact same thing that is in nighttime cold medicine. So I took the pills and patiently awaited dreamland. Only...I never got to dreamland. I never even got on the boat.

I saw EVERY hour on the clock numerous times. Then the thunder began and Ollie jumped up on the bed. After shooing him off the bed, I finally began to fall asleep at around 2am. At 2:20am, Jayna began her coughing. For like 30 minutes. I made Chris get up and change her diaper thinking that it would atleast make her a little more comfortable and she'd be able to go back to sleep after sitting upright for a few minutes. No dice. I finally went in and got her at 3:15am and sat on the couch with her for 30 minutes or so. I then put her back to bed and went back to the couch. The last time I looked at the clock was at 4:23am. And my alarm went off at 5:26am. I promptly reset it for 6am.

At 6am I woke up Chris and told him that I was going to take Jayna to Summer and then go home and try to get a few hours of sleep. I did just that. I took her and went back home. I got comfortable in the bed and then I NEVER. FELL. ASLEEP. Partially because I couldn't breathe and I sneezed approximately 17.438 times. I finally rolled out of the bed at 9:30am and got ready for work. And it was pouring down rain.

I got in the car and proceeded to work. I called Chris to let him know I was on my way. He said, "Don't come. The roof just almost blew off the building. We have no air conditioning here. Stay home." I stayed home and checked the weather. It was scheduled to let up at around lunchtime, so I decided I'd go get Jayna and just take her home at lunch since work was slow and damaged and air conditioningless in August. I left my house in the Nissan at 11:45am. I got to the end of my street and had to turn around and go back home and get the Trailblazer because of high water. Only it isn't that easy. I had to put the carseat into the Trailblazer...from the Nissan that was in the pouring rain.

I finally got to Summer's at 12:30pm. It's a 20 minute drive, people. Everywhere was flooded. Even in the Trailblazer I was having trouble on some roads. And that made me TERRIFIED to drive back home. Luckily Chris was at Summer's when I got there, so I made him follow me back home.

I got home at 1:15pm (keep in mind that I was running on an hour of sleep and a hellacious cold). And my garage door wouldn't go up...that meant my power was out. I was hopeful at this point and just KNEW it would be back on in a few minutes. I got Jayna down for a nap and sat around in the candlelit silence and tried to nap. Again, no dice. So I worked on some things for Jayna's birthday party. Chris called me at 4:30pm on his way home and the power was STILL out...and it was getting toasty in our house. Jayna no likey toasty. And she's sick to top it off. She began throwing the FIT of her life. This fit tops any fit that I've ever seen any kid throw. And she did this for 40 minutes.

Chris got home and told me that we had to leave...we were going to see some friends, Matt, Jamie and their little girl Peyton, that we hadn't seen in 7 years. And while I really wanted to see them, my day had been horrible. I just wanted to go to bed. But NOT in my 85 degree house. So we went to see our friends and had a wonderful time. It was really the highlight of the day!! Good dinner and good friends...and AIR CONDITIONING! Thanks guys!! Jayna really appreciated being out of the house!! :)

The highways were a mess at that time with it being the end of rush hour and with all the construction. We didn't get there until 6:30pm. Yikes! Jayna's bedtime is at 8pm!! I began to internally freak out when it was 7:45pm and we still hadn't eaten dinner. I kept my cool, though, and luckily Matt and Jamie were very sympathetic to our situation since they have a little one too. They didn't mind all that much that we had to eat and run. And my sick kid didn't go to bed until 9:30pm!!

When we got home the power was on!! I've never been so thankful for electricity in my whole life!! I didn't want to have to pack up the kid at 9pm and go to Nana's house. That would have been a disaster.

Today is a brand new day. Jayna is fine. Tired, but fine. I feel slightly better from the cold, but I still didn't sleep last night...mostly because I was worried about Jayna. I'm hoping for a good night's sleep tonight.

Had I gone to work, Jayna would have been in the air conditioning at Summer's all day. I would have had electricity at work (no air conditioning, but atleast the internet and lights!) and my kid wouldn't have thrown a 40 minute fit. I guess work does have it's perks.

My Little Wheezer

Jayna has RSV. She was 7 months last Saturday and it was overlooked because we were busy giving her breathing treatments every 4 hours and suctioning all the snot out of her head and worrying about whether or not she could breathe. She was going to have her Easter pictures taken on Saturday but that was a no go...she isn't allowed to be around crowds of people, sick people or second- or third-hand smoke.

About a week and a half ago, Jayna cut one of her top teeth. She was cranky and drooly and her nose was runny. Early last week her nose was still running and she seemed to have congestion deeper than normal. I finally called the doctor last Wednesday and I was told that unless her mucous changed colors or if she had trouble breathing that she didn't need to be seen. It is cold season for kids right now. I had been suctioning her nose for almost a week and she'd been sleeping with her humidifier on. I was doing everything I should be doing.

On Friday morning, Jayna got up at 4am. She was so very congested that she couldn't breathe out of her nose. And, you know, babies are nose breathers. I thought she just couldn't sleep because her nose was stuffed up. I got up with her and tried to get her back to sleep. No such luck. Chris then got up so that I could go back to bed. She finally went back to sleep at around 6:15am. I normally get her up at 6am to go to work. I decided that I'd let her sleep and when she woke up I'd take her to Summer and go to work a couple of hours late. Chris told me that I needed to take her to the doctor. I disagreed.

When she woke up at 7:30am, she was just normal happy Jayna. No congestion. No runny nose. No irritability. She was fine! So I called Chris and said, "She just woke up and she's fine. I'm not taking her to the doctor. I don't want to be that mom who takes her kid to the doctor for the sniffles. I'm not taking her." He then tells me that he felt a rattle in her chest when he was holding her at 5am. After a little arguing, I agreed to take her to the doctor.

We get to the doctor at 9:30am. This was the exchange between the doctor and I:

Doc: So, what's wrong with Jayna today?

Me: Well, she's not even acting sick now.

Doc: Yeah, she really isn't. Any fever?

Me: No, not that I know of. I've given her Tylenol a few times in the past few days for teething, but no fever.

Doc: What else is going on?

Me: She's had a cold for almost a week. I initially thought she was just cutting teeth, but it seems she actually does have a cold. She's congested and has a runny nose. Very irritable and apparently has a bit of a chest rattle.

Doc: Let's take a listen...

(Doc proceeds to listen while Jayna insists on pulling the stethoscope out of the doc's ears. It takes about 6 minutes to actually listen to Jayna's lungs because of said pulling on stethoscope and excessive wiggling and laughing...)

Doc: Well, it's a good thing you're here! Good call! She's really sick, although we've caught it early.

Me: I can't take credit. I didn't even think she was really sick...

Doc: She really doesn't act sick does she? She doesn't even seem to care that she may have RSV.

Me: WHAT?!?

Doc: Well, I'm going to have a nurse suction her and then we'll test her for RSV. While the test is doing it's thing, I'm going to have you give her a breathing treatment. After the breathing treatment we'll decide if she needs a chest x-ray or if you can just give her breathing treatments at home.

Me: Holy crap. I feel terrible. I didn't know she was so sick.

Doc: Yeah, me neither. She looks and acts fine.

So, she ended up actually having RSV. And when a kid gets "suctioned" at the doctor's office, it's much, much different than a bulb syringe. The nurse used a syringe filled with saline that had a tube about 2 inches long on the end. That tube had to be shoved all the way up Jayna's nose and the saline had to be injected in her sinuses and then sucked back out. It was seriously horrible for Jayna and me.

After the breathing treatment she apparently sounded better. But we were to give her breathing treatments at home over the weekend every 4 hours when she was awake and every 6 hours while she was asleep (luckily she sleeps through the night ones) and then recheck on Monday. We did this all weekend. I took her back on Monday hoping to atleast eliminate the middle-of-the-night treatments. Again, no such luck. She still had RSV on Monday, but was out of the contagious stage (still has to have limited contact) and sounded much better. We still have to give her treatments the same as before until Thursday. And both of her ears are infected now. Great...omnicef and diarrhea here we come.

My poor kid. She doesn't even know she's sick and it was a VERY good possibility that she was going to have to be hospitalized. She's alot better now. I can't wait until the middle-of-the-night breathing treatments are over. ..hopefully only one more of those.

And here's my little wheezer...

She likes to help hold the nebulizer thingy...

Can you see it in her eyes that she's smiling behind that thing? NOTHING bothers this kid!

Slapdashery

The theme of this entry is...absolutely nothing!! I just have a bunch of random things to say. That doesn't sound like me at all...now does it?!? (wink wink)

Jayna has an ear infection. She's had somewhat of a cold for about a week now, but on Sunday she began to fuss while taking a bottle. That is very uncharacteristic of the little chubby butt, so I got a little worried. I told Summer to report to me immediately (because, you know, I'm a Nazi mom) if she fussed at all with the bottle yesterday. Well, she did...and I promptly called the doc. I took her yesterday at 4pm and it was confirmed that she has a cold and the start of an ear infection in her left ear.

The doctor asked me, "How did you catch this so quickly? She just barely has an infection!" Well, when my 13 pound, 13 ounce (yes...that's what she weighted yesterday...) baby doesn't want to eat, something is definitely amiss. She has 10 days of amoxicillin to take and she LOVES it!! Her little tongue goes crazy when she tastes it! It's so cute. She hasn't been extremely fussy or anything, just a little clingy. But that's okay with me...I love to cuddle her!

Last night was a long night. I've gotten accustomed to putting her to bed at 8:30pm and not hearing from her again until around 6am. Last night I fed her at 8:10pm and put her to bed. She was awake with a vengeance at 9:30pm. She got a new diaper, some tylenol and ate again. I got to bed at around 10:30pm and woke up again around 1am to pump. Jayna woke up again around 3am and wanted to eat again. And I think I went back to sleep for about 20 minutes between then and 5am. I'm sleepy today...

There are only 30 days until Christmas. What the hell?!? Where did 2008 go? Oh yeah, to pregnancy. Now I remember! :) I just can't believe that this year is almost over. I think I can count on one hand the number of scrapbooking projects I did for myself this year. That is BAD! Next year is going to be devoted to ME instead of others!!

BIG NEWS: I am illustrating 2 more children's books!! You can see my first illustrated book here. I'm very excited...not just to be illustrating, but to be pulling in a little extra moolah. Having a baby is expensive!! We could use the extra money to buy, you know, our $738.00 worth of groceries every week.

Chris' grandmother is not doing well. She is 91 years old and her health has declined drastically in the past few years. Her hearing and sight aren't what they used to be and this makes it difficult for her to do everything. She recently collapsed a couple of times in one day. She was taken to the hospital and treated for a UTI, but because of the collapse, her legs are weakened. She's currently in a rehab facility trying to get healthy again. Chris' parents both work and are having difficulty caring for her at this point. They aren't too young anymore either. This has been very difficult for Chris and his parents...and for me. His grandma is probably the sweetest little old lady I've ever met. To see her in such distress is disheartening to say the least. We plan to visit her this weekend. She'll enjoy seeing some familiar faces and having some human interaction.

Jayna got her pictures taken on Saturday...again!! It went so well and I'm so glad because her 2 month pictures were a NIGHTMARE!! Anyhoo, she was so cute and smiled and cooed and was just the perfect little girl. I can't wait to get them back!!

And here's a cute picture to end (one I edited at work-shhhh!)...

Happy Tuesday, everyone!!

Night and Day

Our current situation is this:

Jayna sleeps for about 3 hour stretches during the day. We get up whenever she decides (within reason) around 8 or 9am. We get dressed and diaper changed and eat. Then there's nap until 10:30 or 11am, diaper change and eat. Then nap until 1:30 or 2pm and diaper change and eat. She is very consistent throughout the daytime hours with her waking and eating and such; although she usually has about 2 hours of awake time during the day where she just wants to be awake. No fussing, just awake. It's the evening/night when we run into issues.

Beginning at around 6 or 7pm, she decides that it's time to eat every hour...and sometimes more. Sometimes it's every half hour to 45 minutes. She eats, stays awake, fusses and then wants to eat again. And she does this until she has literally made herself sick...as in gassy. And the way she eats...it's like she's never seen a boob before!! She eats like she's been on a desert island for weeks and it's her first meal upon returning to civilization. She does this until around midnight...sometimes later. The eating I can deal with. No, I don't care for it, but I can deal with it. It's the fussiness that I have trouble with. I check her diaper, give her Mylicon and try to put her down. And she REFUSES to be put down. She wants to be held this whole time. AAAHHHH!!!! HELP!! What does this child want from me!?!

I'm exhausted. Five or 6 hours of NON-STOP eating is exhausting. I never thought that I'd be holding my cute and precious little baby and just want to put her down and walk away. Do I do that?? No. I don't. I know it isn't her fault and she isn't trying to kill me. I know this. She's working on instinct. That's all she has at this point. But I'm having trouble keeping that in the forefront of my mind.

It's been suggested that I keep her awake more during the day. Yeah, funny. This kid doesn't wake up for ANYTHING unless she's damn good and ready. She really is my kid. I've tried feeding her at night in a quiet room with the lights out and some white noise or low music. I've tried keeping her in the living room with Chris and I with the TV on. I've tried putting her down and letting her fall asleep on her own (which is the biggest joke of all). I've been told that she should be on a "demand" feeding schedule...that I shouldn't deny her food ever until she's a few months old...and plus that just doesn't work. I suppose you could say that I'm stuck. Don't know what to do now. Any suggestions other than what I've tried??