ToT: Raising a Child in a World of Controversy

This week was a free week.  To catch up, to write about whatever you want, or to reflect on one or two topics that I myself chose.  Those 2 topics were the Chick-fil-A controversy and the Aurora, CO shooting.
Why did I do that?!?  Why did I have to go and throw those topics in there?

I had a perfectly trivial topic planned.  You know those frugal fashion bloggers who find some expensive clothing item and then find cheaper alternatives?  That was my blog entry for this week.  And then I had to go and ruin it with all that thinking I had to do.

Today I'll be covering the Chick-fil-A controversy.  I'll be covering it in the manner that my title suggests...how will I raise a child in this world of "hate chicken?"  What will I teach her?

I have read a MILLION different pieces of...literature?...about Chick-fil-A.  I say "literature" with a question mark because I don't know that I'd classify opinion pieces on the internet as literature.  Not that they don't hold some sort of merit, but that when I think of literature, I think of 2 things:  A. A book written by an author in a library.  B. A piece of writing containing facts.  I understand that there are things wrong with my definition (especially in the age of the interwebs) and that SOMEONE will think less of me for my definition, but at this point, that is the least of my worries.

In this day and age, the Technological Age, the Social Media Age, the Age Where We're All Supposed To Be Sticking Together As A Human Race And Helping Out One Another...whatever it is y'all want to call it, it is becoming more and more difficult to distinguish between facts and propaganda.  Facts and opinions.  Facts and outright lies.  If there is one bad thing that comes as a direct result of the internet that DIRECTLY AFFECTS ME ON A DAILY BASIS, this is it. 

It's difficult to know who to believe.

I was on my high school's debate team for 3.5 years.  I had a VERY good debate coach (Shout out to Ms. Davidson) and she taught me a LOT about learning facts before making a decision.  She also taught me how to argue both sides of damn near any argument...more of a curse than a blessing it turns out.  She taught me that most people usually lie somewhere in the middle of the 2 opposing sides, but that they probably don't know it.  See...everything is NOT a duality.  Not black and white.  Not good and evil.  Not day and night.  Any debatable topic can be argued on a continuum. 

Think of a timeline but without the dates.  Think of a horizontal line with "Everything is White" on one end and "Everything is Black" on the other end.  And right in the middle is a hash mark with "Many things are not black OR white."  And along the entire line are other hash marks..."Some things are black."  "Some things are white."  "Some things are sort of black."  "Some things are sort of white."

I'm not sure why we're all so inclined to argue dualities.  I have a (albeit, fairly useless in the working world) Bachelor's degree in Philosophy.  I had a professor, Dr. McCarty, who always made the joke that dualities are a philosopher's worst nightmare and best friend all at the same time.  A duality can in and of itself win any argument.  But it's way too easy to win.  We philosophers don't like to easily win arguments.  There is a process to winning an argument in a philosopher's mind and winning by simply saying, "Well, it's white!!  That's it!!" is nowhere in the process.  That's just not how we roll.  And many times in a philisophical debate, there is no winner.  But we all walk away a little more enlightened and probably not as opposed to the other side as we were when we began.

And, come on, people.  Winning by saying "Well, it's White!! That's it!!" is as much of a cop out as lying directly in the middle of a controversial issue.

Back to Chick-fil-A.  There are 3 opinion pieces that I've read that have affected me.  There are some arguments and thoughts that don't affect me anymore regarding this issue for the simple fact that they have been overused.  For example, comparing this controversy to supporting the KKK?  That doesn't affect me anymore.  That is not to say that there isn't some truth to the statement, but this will unlikely change anyone's mind.  Especially in a Facebook forum.

If you read ONE kindhearted thing regarding Chick-fil-A, read fellow ToT poster Sarah's entry.  Sarah may be one of the kindest people I've ever known.  She supports equal rights.  She supports all people's freedom to live a happy life.  She is doing a job that many of us could NEVER do.  And she makes some outstanding points.  The 2 that stand out in my mind are that there are REAL people involved here (you aren't just hurting a multi-millionaire by boycotting...there is potential to hurt REAL people who are just trying to make a living) and that if we knew the business of our other big businesses, we'd be equally pissed off at them (see her link for Green America).

Sarah hit the nail on the head for me.  She articulated what I was having such a difficult time saying.  And I am so very happy I read her entry before I wrote this.  I am enlightened.

Please also read these if you are so inclined:  An Open Letter to Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy and The Chick Fellatio: Stuck in The Craw. Two opinions that lie somewhere on a continuum.  Please do NOT think that these opinions represent my beliefs.  These are simply the things that have helped me come to my own conclusion of things.

I have a difficult time taking other's opinions for my own (I don't even read fellow ToT entries until I write my own).  Especially when the FACTS are hard to come by.  I am appalled by where Chick-fil-A's money is going.  APPALLED.  And I would be just as appalled if I knew where the money of the other multi-million dollar companies from which I consume were made public.  And that's just the thing...it's another duality.

All or none?  Do we boycott every organization we don't believe is doing the right thing or do we just boycott the ones that affect us or piss us off the most?  Hmm...

Any of you who are boycotting Chick-fil-A shop at Walmart?  You better do some research.  If you are a human rights advocate, you'll be horrified.  I promise.

Anyone who knows me knows that I support equal rights.  I am incredibly pro gay marriage.  People should be free to be happy in the way that they are...well, happiest.  Gay, straight, polygamous, single, etc.  Whatever makes your skirt fly up.  And it should go without saying, but I'll say it...as long as the people in said relationship are consenting.  This rules out people marrying their dogs, goats, televisions, etc. 

I support equal rights.  I want you all to have the same rights that I do as a happily married person with a child.  I want that.  It's just that this issue lies somewhere on that continuum.  It isn't black and it isn't white.

I am boycotting Chick-fil-A.  I am doing this mainly because of where their money goes.  I will stand up next to my fellow humans because that is the right thing to do.  That is not to say that I lie on the ass end of the continuum.  I'm still somewhere in the middle. 

And I can hear people everywhere mumbling, "Well, that's just a cop out."  Is it?  Is it a cop out to do the right thing but to still think other opinions, thoughts, beliefs and even some actions aren't necessarily wrong?  Is it a cop out to not have such a strong opinion that I can still see another side of an argument?  Then...guilty as charged.

And this will more than likely begin a long string of me "shopping my values" as Sarah would say.  I fear that this is just the beginning.  Not just for me...but for us as a nation. 

"Where does Jayna come in?  This is supposed to be about you raising a child."

I plan to teach her all of the things that Ms. Davidson and Dr. McCarty taught me.  I don't want her to merely have thoughts.  I want her to have a thought PROCESS.  I want her to be a critical thinker and be able to think from every angle.  ALWAYS remember that there are 3 sides to every story and imagine walking a mile in the shoes of all 3 sides.  Get the facts.  Create your own opinions.  Create your own rebuttals.  But, for the love of Delores, BE NICE.  Be patient and kind and appreciative that we live in a world where we're allowed the freedom to have our own opinions and feelings and beliefs. 

Also?  I want to teach her to love PEOPLE.  All people.  The world hardens us, it makes us argue to the point of losing friends...over a chicken store.  We are bigger than our differences.  We are all human and we're all in this damn thing together.

But mostly?  Life isn't easy.  But that's what makes it so damn rewarding.

I will challenge her.  I will teach her to challenge me (and not just on the time of her curfew).  I don't want a sheep.  I want a thinking, feeling human.  But one who knows love and compassion and equality AND critical thinking.

It won't be easy.  Especially because I refuse to dole out my opinions to her.  I will guide her.  I will help her understand fact from fiction to the best of my ability.  I will allow her to make her own choices regarding where she stands on the continuum.  And most of all?  I'll love that kid until I can't love anymore.  As the Beatles say, "All you need is love."

And all of this, my friends, will be much more difficult for me than it will be for her.

Cop out?  You be the judge.

May 2011 Six Pix

May was fun. 

May was random.

May was a "go with the flow" month.  I don't have very many months that are "go with the flow."  I'm not generally a "go with the flow" person.  I'm working on that...and that is a long post all on it's own.  And it's fast approaching that I feel like writing about it...you know, with the holidays coming up (my LEAST "go with the flow" time of year).

At any rate, I had a lot of fun, some heartbreak, a little stress, too much anxiety and a big victory in May.  And not very many photos to show for it.

Here are some photos and some stories to go along with them:

In May, Chris was still in a band.  Sunday mornings/afternoons were my alone time with Jayna and we very often took advantage of it by doing things that Chris wouldn't really miss out on...i.e. going to the mall. On this particular day, Jayna wanted to go to "that lighted up restaurant" (Johnny Rocket's) to eat french fries.  So we went there.  She sat in a chair across the table from me by herself with no booster because she's "a big girl."  She also ordered her own drink and food because she's "a big girl."  And she used her manners by saying please and thank you because she's...you guessed it:  "a big girl."  On that particular day, it dawned on me that she really is growing up into a very awesome kid.  And that makes me proud and sad at the same time.

I have wanted to learn how to play harmonica for a long time now.  On Memorial Day, Chris said, "Hey...let's go to Guitar Center and get your harmonica."  It was a win-win-win.  I got my harmonica, Chris got to play some guitars and Jayna got to go play piano, guitar, drums, etc.  She really loves that store.  She also loves to sit on the stools.  This is one of my favorite pictures of her EVER.  She just looks so very sweet.

As you all know, Chris and I ran the Mini in May.  I will not go into that again, as I've written a couple of books about it.  I still love this photo, though.  That was a HUGE victory for me...one that I desparately needed in the midst of many other obstacles in life.  I haven't thought the same way about myself since I finished that race...horrible time or not. :)

This picture makes me laugh because soooo very many people think Chris is quiet and reserved.  This?  This is the REAL Chris.  Goofy and quick to make you laugh.  He was the best support I could've had before, during and after the Mini.  I love him to pieces.

One random Friday night, KT called and asked if she could stop by.  Stopping by on a Friday night in the warm months will inevitably lead to back porch guitar playing and wine drinking.  And that's what we did.  It's always nice to unexpectedly see friends.

This guy is Erik.  This day is my birthday.  This event was a show that The Band played at a Moose Lodge.  ON MY BIRTHDAY. (Oh...did I already mention that?)  I spent my birthday at a Moose Lodge.  I'm 31, not 75.  Anyhoo, there is a very long, ugly, heartbreaking story to be told about this night and the few weeks after this night.  Since it is all just juicy gossip that STILL dang near makes me cry, I won't tell it here.  I will just say that this was Erik's first time singing on a stage. EVER.  It makes me so proud of my friends when they do things to face their fears.  It was a rough go, but he did it!!  I love this guy and I hope we are always friends.  He is currently in Germany with his outstanding wife, Janette, until sometime next year, but I'm patiently awaiting their return.  We have drinking to do. :)

What did YOU do in May?

Diary of a First-Time Mini Marathoner: Part I, The Emotions

It feels weird to call myself a "Mini Marathoner."  Strange.  I didn't think I could ever actually do it.

I attempted to sit down with my iPhone on Saturday afternoon and write a blog post about my experience.  And then it occurred to me that I couldn't even put together a coherent sentence. 

I also couldn't stop shaking enough to actually use a touch screen phone, but we'll look past that.

I'll go through the process as I went through it:

On Thursday night, Jayna came down with something.  She was running a fever of around 102 degrees.  She was fussy.  She wasn't eating.  And she went to sleep on the couch at 6:45pm. THAT, my friends, is unheard of.

So...what do I do now??  I've paid quite a bit of money to run a race on Saturday and here it is, THURSDAY, and my kid is sick.  My hope was that it was some sort of 24 hour bug.  Notsomuch.

She woke up a few times in the night and still had a fever in the morning.  Chris stayed home with her on Friday and ended up taking her to the doctor in the afternoon.  She tested weak positive for strep.  Greeeeaaaatttt.

What now?  Which one of us stays home with her??  I've obviously had a much more difficult time training for this, so I should stay home.  Chris had a shot of running a sub-2 hour race.  I didn't.  But this was sort of MY thing. I WANTED to finish.  But...there was NO way I was going to go downtown ALONE and park and walk to the race and run and finish and then walk back to the car and drive home.  NO. FREAKIN. WAY. 

It then crossed my mind that neither of us should go.  That way there was no guilt either way.  But that was stupid!!  I asked my mom if she minded keeping Jayna overnight regardless of the strep issue and she agreed.  So Jayna stayed with my mom and we were both going to run.

I spent my Friday night distracted by baking cupcakes.  I wanted it that way.  I didn't want to think about it.

I got up at 5am.  I ate breakfast.  I drank some milk.  And off we went.  We got downtown at around 6:15am.  There were already soooo many people there!  When I saw the corrals and the start line, my stomach dropped.  Port-o-lets were the greatest invention ever at that moment. :)

Chris and I had to split up around 7:15am.  I ran into a friend from high school, Jodi, who was in my corral.  We talked for a few minutes and that kept my mind busy.  And then more and more and MORE people piled into the corral.  Hi, agoraphobia!!  Fancy meeting you here!!

I kept my wits about me and eventually crossed the start line at 23 minutes into the race.  I stuck to my plan of 10 running minutes and 5 walking minutes.  There were many musical and dancing acts along the way, as well as an unbridled number of supporters.  It was truly overwhelming to see that much support from all different sorts of people who didn't even know me!!  At a couple of points, it became very emotional.

I stuck to my run/walk plan straight through mile 6. After the 6 mile marker, it hit me.  I was fatigued.  I was in some pain.  My muscles were tight.  And I had to pee like NO other.  I stopped at the bathrooms inside the track and hurriedly went and came back out onto the course.  Morale began to take a nose dive.

The track portion of the race was...horrifying.  The scenery doesn't change.  The asphalt is hard and seemingly more unforgiving than the street (even though I'm sure that isn't the case).  People are everywhere and won't get out of the way.  It began to rain.  Frustration and irritation were prevalent.  At one walking point around mile 8 inside the track, a man began talking to me:

Him:  Is it getting to you, sweetie?
Me:  Yep.  I'm tired.  I don't think I'll be able to finish.
Him:  Listen.  I'm 65.  This is my first Mini.  And I'm going to finish dammit! 
Me:  Good!  Good luck to you!
Him:  No...listen.  I'm 65.  I have a blister on my foot the size of Rhode Island right now.  How about you?
Me:  I don't know.  I can't feel my feet.  I could have a blister the size of.....
Him:  Texas? 
Me:  Yeah, thanks.  I apparently can no longer form...words?
Him:  Sentences, you mean?  The words seem to be coming out.
Me:  Sure.  Whatever.  It's all the same, right??
Him:  Not really.  Well, I'm 65 and I'm going to finish.  I saw you running earlier, but I'm only walking.  If I can finish so can you.  So...keep going.  AND DON'T LET ME BEAT YOU!!!  Now go run some more!!
Me:  Okay, sir.

He caught up with me again around mile 9, but I stayed ahead of him the rest of the race.  And I did beat him, but probably not by much.  I wish I knew his name. :)

At mile 9, I began talking to myself.  At mile 10, I cried.  At mile 11, I had to look down at my feet to make sure they were still there.  At mile 12, I cried again, but because I only had 1 more mile.

And when I crossed the finish line, I had to fight my emotions with everything I had to NOT cry.  I wanted to atleast get through all of those wonderful people who gave me my medal, a bottle of water, a banana, a granola bar, a cookie and some Gatorade.  I love those people like they are my own family.  Seriously.

I really wanted to just skip all of that.  I just wanted to go cry on Chris' shoulder.  I just wanted to see Chris.  I just wanted to see ONE FREAKING FAMILIAR FACE.  One constant and caring individual.

When he was in my sights, I totally lost control of my emotions.  I cried like a baby and I didn't care who knew.  There were so many things going through my head.

Those of you who know me know all the things that I've endured to get here...including, but not limited to a full body rash, extreme stress and anxiety, a toddler that I just want to do right by, a near-neglected family and household, the death of my dear Morgan, and the life of my dog Oliver who has suffered nearly as much as me through Moe's death.  When Morgan got sick at the end, I said, "I'll run this race for him.  He can't do it anymore, so I'll do it for him."  When he died, that became 125% more important.  And I did it.  I've had an incredibly difficult time with closure regarding Moe's death.  This experience has helped me turn a page in that chapter.  It's definitely not over, but it's progressing.

I don't think that there is one pinpointed reason that I cried.  I cried because I finished and didn't have to run anymore.  I cried because I FINISHED!!  I cried because I was in pain.  I cried because there were so many people around me.  I cried because there were so many people rooting for me and I didn't let them down.  I cried because I finished regardless of the naysayers.  I cried because I remembered my promise to Morgan.  I cried because I could now go pick up my sick kid from my mom. 

And I cried because I felt like a different person.  A better person.  A more confident person.  A person who finishes what she starts no matter how tough things get.

I would like to say a sincere Thank You to all of you who believed that I could do this...because I certainly didn't believe that at several points throughout this journey.  You guys helped me through lots of hard times.  And for that, I thank you.

Also, a HUGE Thank You to all of my running friends who provided advice, training and cheering.  Zac, The Quags, KT, Chris.  You guys were the glue that held me together.  I hadn't a clue where to start or end and you guys helped me more than you'll ever know. :)

I will pick up running again in about a month.  There are things that have needed my attention since January and it's time to address them.  Some painting.  Some baking.  Some harmonica.  A toddler.  A household.  And most of all...MY MIND NEEDS A BREAK.  Even my half-assed training routine was more than difficult.  I can't imagine for those of you who ran well and trained twice as much as me.  When I begin running again, it will be on a very light level.  I will see where that takes me and in October/November, I'll revisit whether or not I want to run another Mini.  If I decide not to, I'm okay.  And if I decide to do it, I'll be great.

***Note for those of you who care about stats:  My official time was 3:32:24.  I paced a 16:13 mile.  At mile 10, I was at 2:32:51.  It took me an HOUR to go the last 3 miles. I've taken a mental note.***

Progress Report & Note to Gym Staff: Day 11

Yesterday was outstanding!!!! 

And when was the last time I started an entry about the gym like that?  I'll tell you...never.

I was determined yesterday.  Determined to kick some ass and take some names.  And that I did.

Basics:  30 minutes, 2.26 miles.  Walked 3.2 mph (except for cooldown...which was 2.7/2.2), ran 4.7 mph. Ran 2 continuous miles, walked the rest.  I'll say it again....I RAN 2 CONTINUOUS MILES.  I ran for 25.5 minutes and didn't stop.  I couldn't be happier with myself.

I've learned a few things about this experience that should be, for posterity, written down.  For a month now I've been going to the gym fairly regularly and I've tried VERY hard to not put so much pressure on myself that I want to quit.  But what I sort of forgot is that I don't work well under NO pressure.  I need to have some pressure...otherwise I'll procrastinate like I always do and bomb.  And no bombs here, please.

Everytime I run longer than half a mile, I hit a sludge period.  When I get over that hump, it's like I have the potential to turn into Forrest Gump.  "I just felt like running." :)

I've also learned that I have some weird condition that causes me to get a rash from sweating.  It's pretty weird.  I haven't been to a doctor because after not working out at all for 8 days it has begun to get a little better.  I've been lathering myself in lotion and hydrocortisone cream also, so that's helping.  It's on the inside of my arms at elbow area, inner thighs, backs of knees, waistband area, sports bra band area and my sides.  And I feel....disgusting.  Anyone have any experience with this??  Any help would be outstanding.  I'd kind of like to not feel like a lepper.

NOTE TO GYM STAFF:

Do you think it's the best idea for one of the regular television stations to be the Food Network???  I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person questioning why you'd all want to torture us while we try to NOT think about eating Paula Deen's peanut butter truffle pie and try to think about health and fitness.  And while I listen to music while I run, delicious looking food is on the television that I'm FORCED to stare at.  I think I'll lodge an official complaint.

Progress Report: Day 3

I skipped the gym all weekend.  I didn't do a damn thing.  It was awesome at the time, but then I weighed myself today after almost a week of no gym and 2 weeks of eating everything in sight.  SIX freakin' pounds up.  NOT the way I wanted to start off the year...but alot of things have happened that I didn't exactly want to deal with.

With all that in mind...and my STRONG desire to drink every ounce of vodka made available to me...I sent a good friend an email about how I am having a really hard time dealing with things.  She said, and I quote:  "You can do this.  You DID the right thing."  She'll never know the impact that had.  Or maybe she will...

So keeping that in the front of my brain, I went to the gym with the intention of RUNNING (not walking) atleast half of a mile.  Yes, I said half of ONE mile.  If you know me you know that that's feasible...anything more would be setting my short term goal too high.

I ended up running .9 miles of the 2 miles that I did.  I ran at 4.2 mph...for ALMOST ONE MILE.  I didn't do it continuously, but the point is that I did it.  I walked .5, ran .25, walked .35, ran .45, walked .15, ran .2 then walked the rest.  The most awesome part is that in the middle I ran almost half a mile at once!! 

I know some of you are reading this and laughing...and that's okay.  I've never done this before.  And I'm NOT quitting.

Four Things

I can't recall whether or not I've blogged about Four Things yet, but I'm doing it now.  When Jayna was born I think it would be an understatement to say that I had a difficult time.  I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has ever had a hard time becoming a mom.  It's a jumbo-sized job and it's different than anything that's ever happened to me.  And until Jayna was about 8 months old, I did NOTHING but be her mom.  I learned what it was to be a parent.  Well, some of it anyway.  I don't think anyone ever learns EVERYTHING there is to learn about being a parent.  There is no destination to that journey.  And maybe that's what makes it so damn frustrating.

I learned parenting.  I learned being a mom.  I learned about kids and what they do at what ages and that I'd worry if Jayna didn't do something exactly on schedule.  I was freaked out beyond belief that she got teeth so early.  I was sad when she didn't crawl by the time she was 7 or 8 months old (even though she picked it up literally a week after I began worrying).  I didn't know any of this stuff...so I went by the "book."  I did NOT go with the flow.  And I definitely did NOT have my shit together.  I was a mess.  But I wasn't JUST a mess.  I was a mess of a mom.  And nothing else.  I lost every ounce of my identity except my new mom identity.

I stopped scrapbooking.  I stopped seeing my friends.  I stopped drinking at all.  I stopped exercising.  I stopped writing.  I stopped doing EVERYTHING.  I even had an offer to illustrate another children's book and I blew that because I couldn't get it together and just DO IT.  All I did was be a mom.  And that, my friends, gets Pretty.  Damn.  Boring.

Again, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever had this particular issue.  It's difficult.  It's frustrating.  It's tumultuous.  It's sad.  Just sad.  I've always had what I thought to be a pretty strong identity.  And one of the reasons that I didn't want to have children for so many years is that I didn't want to lose myself.  I still wanted to be me.  FAIL.  I did fail miserably.

Until March 14th, 2009.

I know the exact date.  That's how important this was.  It was huge.  It was, in Barney Stinson's lingo, LEGEN...wait for it...DARY.

And it began at the instant that THIS photo was taken:

Why this picture, you ask??  Not just because it's hilarious.  Before we had Jayna, this was us.  There were millions of goofy pics of us having fun.  There were pics with personality in them.  Immediately after this picture was taken, I looked at it on my camera screen and I've never had a stronger epipany..."I AM GOING TO RECLAIM MY IDENTITY."

And, yes, my identity does, in fact, include pictures of my husband groping me.  That's who I was and who I will continue to be.  I just needed a plan to get my Reclamation of Identity going.  And that's where Four Things came in.

The next day, a Sunday, I told myself that I was going to send Jayna to a babysitter atleast one day a month and go out.  With my friends.  To mostly bars.  And drink beer.  Because That is.  Who.  I am. I was determined to be a person other than Mom.  And then I determined to do Four Things per year that I've never done before.

Four Things.  They didn't have to be huge things.  Or things that put my life in jeopardy (even though I did several of those things in the past).  It just had to be Four Things that I hadn't yet done.  Easy enough, right?

Four Things began with this:

My friend Laura has a little girl, Layla, who is 3 months older than Jayna.  Her first birthday was in May of last year and I made these fondant cows for her cupcake tower.  This was the first thing I had ever made out of fondant.  Not too shabby, huh?  I still do this and I love it.

Last fall I was on a coed softball team.  I had never played softball before.  I sucked so bad!!  It is so difficult for me to do things that include other people when I know I'm not good at them.  I just don't like to look like an idiot.  I did make it to base a few times and played a mean right field...aka stood there and looked pretty. :)  I'd love to play softball again sometime.  It was wonderful exercise.

I also was on a fantasy football league last fall.  It's harder than you think!!  I had Chris' help all the way to the end and we did win a few games.  We definitely did NOT make it to the playoffs.  I don't know if I'll ever do it again, but it was fun!!

I had also planned on learning to knit last year, but I didn't get to.  That was my fourth thing.  I was scheduled to take a class with my good friend Michelle before her baby was born in November, but our teacher got sick and cancelled.  Because of the schedule and the time Mia was scheduled to arrive in the world, we didn't get to reschedule.  So I only got in three of my Four Things last year.  Three is better than none!

This year I'm going bigger.  On the list is knitting (I'm commited to that), riding in/flying an open biplane, getting my real estate license and an unknown.  I begin real estate school on June 29th and I my plane ride just needs to be scheduled.  I'll be sure to take lots of pictures this year.

I don't want to become boring.  I don't want to be just a mom.  I want Jayna to grow up knowing that I was fun and strong and a real person.  I'm not Mrs. Cleaver. :)

Next year I plan to ride in The Hilly Hundred.  I'd better buy a bike, huh?

Any suggestions for that unknown fourth??

Five for Friday: Happy Birthday To Me

This will be an interesting take on turning 30.  I have been grieving about turning 30 since I turned 29 LAST YEAR.  That should tell y'all something.  I don't want to get older!!

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book called On Death and Dying that I had to read about 13 times in high school and college.  In it she identifies the ever-so-popular and mocked Five Stages of Grief.  For those of you with no sense of humor...I'll warn you now.  I'm going to mock them.  If you are sensitive on this matter, it may be a good idea to stop reading...right...now.

I have gone through these stages over the last year...only to ultimately accept that I have now turned 30 years old.  Here we go:

1. Denial:  Last May.  "I'm never turning 30.  Next year will be the first anniversary of my 29th birthday.  That way I never have to get any older!!"
2. Anger:  Last October.  "SHIT!! Now that I'm turning 30 I am REQUIRED to be an adult.  I had better GET MY SHIT TOGETHER QUICK!!  DAMMIT!  WHY DO I HAVE TO AGE?!?!?!"
3. Bargaining:  Last Christmas.  "So, since I'm turning 30 next year, I am allowed to buy myself Christmas presents."  February 2010.  "If I lose about 30 pounds and care a little more about my appearance then I can still pass for 29."
4. Depression:  May 1st.  "Well, $#*)! it!!  I HATE birthdays!  It is officially 4 weeks until I turn 30 and I just don't care anymore.  I hate the world."
5. Acceptance:  May 28th, 2010.  "Well, I woke up this morning.  That's a plus!!  I suppose having a birthday is better than the alternative.  I'm well-rested and have a great family and great friends.  I have a reliable job and a roof over my head and the best and sweetest little girl a mother could ever ask for.  My husband is loving and supportive and cares more than most husbands I know.  I'm a lucky person, even if I am 30."

See?  That wasn't so bad!!  I think that is a very truthful, accurate and light-hearted approach to the Five Stages of Grief.  What do you think?

The Big One!

Lots of things going on in life for the past week or so, but first thing first!!

Jayna is O. N. E!!!

Jayniac's party was a HUGE success. There were around 40 people there and everyone got along and made nice for the day and had a good time. Jayna was quite clingy to people she knew, so not alot of people got to hold her. She is also Ms. Independent these days and would usually rather navigate by herself than have someone do it for her!

She opened her gifts from mommy and daddy the morning before her party. We got her a guitar and a shopping cart. The guitar was for obvious reasons. Chris can't have a kid who isn't musical! And the shopping cart was so she can push it around and collect things in it like a little hobo. She has a stroller she pushes around and she tries to stack things up in it like her doll, her juice cup, dog toys and the remote. And it all just won't fit in the stroller!! She now has a shopping cart to pile up all her essentials and take them with her throughout the house.

She was very good all day and took her naps like a good girl. She even slept until about 3:15pm...her party started at 3pm. Only close family was there by then, so it wasn't a big deal that she slept. It actually worked out a little better because she went down for the afternoon a little late. She was a champ for the whole party!!

We didn't set up the pool because it was chilly for August. I think the high temperature for the day was 71...too chilly for the little ones to be half-naked and swimming!! We had yard games and everyone talked and mingled and such. We had fun!

She loved seeing all the people and she especially love the icing on her cake!! She seemed confused by the fondant Horton, but she laughed at him. She only really wanted to eat the icing. She could have really cared less about the cake!! Yummy...strawberry icing!!

Jayna got LOTS of presents including a big wagon from Nana and some interactive books from Nana M. Tiffany got her a barn shape and letter sorter that she LOVES. Layla got her a soft, fuzzy Elmo that she never puts down. Anthony got her a ball popper thingy that she plays with everyday. And Amanda got her a laptop toy that she's learned she can carry with her everywhere. She also got lots of pajamas...you know the story of the pajamas. She got tons of cute clothes that she's begun wearing because of the fall-like weather. Thanks everyone!! Notes are going out soon!!

Chris' stepdad Rick was grillmaster for the day and everyone ate lots of food! We didn't have alot left over...which is always good. The Nanas helped ALOT with everything. We really appreciate all of the people who came and brought things and helped set up and clean up. We thank you all for your hard work!!

Uploading all the pics I want to show y'all would take me hours, so I've created this handy collage. If you click on it, it will hopefully get bigger so you can see it better. If not, the pics are uploaded to Facebook and will be uploaded to Flickr (contact me for access if you don't have it) by the end of the week.

So, the first year is over!! I've enjoyed looking back through the MILLIONS of photos I've taken over the past year and I'm glad I have them!! I'll continue to take millions and share them with all of you. Here's to what's next!!

And the winner is...

So I entered the baby girl album into a contest...and WON!! I get some free scrapbooking supplies and that is always good! Go here and check it out! Yay me!

And I call this...

A HUGE VICTORY!!!

After we put it up and touched up the paint, I put Jayna in her swing. She just laid there and stared at it...and then fell asleep. That makes all the trouble sooo worth it. :)

I did it...

I left her and came to work. And I hate it. I hear it does get easier. I'm hoping that happens soon.

I just can't believe that in 3 days my baby will be 7 weeks old. Although most weeks have been trying, frustrating and just plain bad, I still don't want to wish away the time. Before I know it, she'll be going to school. I'm not ready for her to grow up...

She's growing so very fast. She no longer fits into any of her newborn onesies. She has a very long torso and little short legs, so she can still wear her newborn pants...for now. When I put them on her this morning, I noticed that they are getting a little short. The 3 month ones are still too long, but I'm sure that will soon change. It seems that all I do is buy clothes for her and she still doesn't have that many!

She slept for 9 hours last night with a little fussing and only one diaper change...NO EATING!! And she was an absolute MANIAC this morning. The doctor told me to not let her go that long without eating, but I ignored her. Every morning at about 2am she has a short fussy period where she stays mostly asleep, but wiggles and makes alot of noise. She does this for about 30 minutes or so. I can't decide if I should wake her all the way to eat when she does that so she won't be a maniac in the morning or if I should just let her be a maniac. When she goes that long without eating, she fusses as she's eating which causes her to suck in TONS of air and she gets a bellyache...not to mention the fact that she's gulping down milk from my engorged boobs. I even pump in the middle of the night and it doesn't seem to matter. Maybe I'll try waking her tonight to see if it even makes a difference.

I'm sad and happy all at the same time. She is so good for Summer and she likes it there, so I should be happy...right? But now I don't get to spend so much time with her and that makes me cry. No one told me this would be so difficult...