Four Things

I can't recall whether or not I've blogged about Four Things yet, but I'm doing it now.  When Jayna was born I think it would be an understatement to say that I had a difficult time.  I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has ever had a hard time becoming a mom.  It's a jumbo-sized job and it's different than anything that's ever happened to me.  And until Jayna was about 8 months old, I did NOTHING but be her mom.  I learned what it was to be a parent.  Well, some of it anyway.  I don't think anyone ever learns EVERYTHING there is to learn about being a parent.  There is no destination to that journey.  And maybe that's what makes it so damn frustrating.

I learned parenting.  I learned being a mom.  I learned about kids and what they do at what ages and that I'd worry if Jayna didn't do something exactly on schedule.  I was freaked out beyond belief that she got teeth so early.  I was sad when she didn't crawl by the time she was 7 or 8 months old (even though she picked it up literally a week after I began worrying).  I didn't know any of this stuff...so I went by the "book."  I did NOT go with the flow.  And I definitely did NOT have my shit together.  I was a mess.  But I wasn't JUST a mess.  I was a mess of a mom.  And nothing else.  I lost every ounce of my identity except my new mom identity.

I stopped scrapbooking.  I stopped seeing my friends.  I stopped drinking at all.  I stopped exercising.  I stopped writing.  I stopped doing EVERYTHING.  I even had an offer to illustrate another children's book and I blew that because I couldn't get it together and just DO IT.  All I did was be a mom.  And that, my friends, gets Pretty.  Damn.  Boring.

Again, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever had this particular issue.  It's difficult.  It's frustrating.  It's tumultuous.  It's sad.  Just sad.  I've always had what I thought to be a pretty strong identity.  And one of the reasons that I didn't want to have children for so many years is that I didn't want to lose myself.  I still wanted to be me.  FAIL.  I did fail miserably.

Until March 14th, 2009.

I know the exact date.  That's how important this was.  It was huge.  It was, in Barney Stinson's lingo, LEGEN...wait for it...DARY.

And it began at the instant that THIS photo was taken:

Why this picture, you ask??  Not just because it's hilarious.  Before we had Jayna, this was us.  There were millions of goofy pics of us having fun.  There were pics with personality in them.  Immediately after this picture was taken, I looked at it on my camera screen and I've never had a stronger epipany..."I AM GOING TO RECLAIM MY IDENTITY."

And, yes, my identity does, in fact, include pictures of my husband groping me.  That's who I was and who I will continue to be.  I just needed a plan to get my Reclamation of Identity going.  And that's where Four Things came in.

The next day, a Sunday, I told myself that I was going to send Jayna to a babysitter atleast one day a month and go out.  With my friends.  To mostly bars.  And drink beer.  Because That is.  Who.  I am. I was determined to be a person other than Mom.  And then I determined to do Four Things per year that I've never done before.

Four Things.  They didn't have to be huge things.  Or things that put my life in jeopardy (even though I did several of those things in the past).  It just had to be Four Things that I hadn't yet done.  Easy enough, right?

Four Things began with this:

My friend Laura has a little girl, Layla, who is 3 months older than Jayna.  Her first birthday was in May of last year and I made these fondant cows for her cupcake tower.  This was the first thing I had ever made out of fondant.  Not too shabby, huh?  I still do this and I love it.

Last fall I was on a coed softball team.  I had never played softball before.  I sucked so bad!!  It is so difficult for me to do things that include other people when I know I'm not good at them.  I just don't like to look like an idiot.  I did make it to base a few times and played a mean right field...aka stood there and looked pretty. :)  I'd love to play softball again sometime.  It was wonderful exercise.

I also was on a fantasy football league last fall.  It's harder than you think!!  I had Chris' help all the way to the end and we did win a few games.  We definitely did NOT make it to the playoffs.  I don't know if I'll ever do it again, but it was fun!!

I had also planned on learning to knit last year, but I didn't get to.  That was my fourth thing.  I was scheduled to take a class with my good friend Michelle before her baby was born in November, but our teacher got sick and cancelled.  Because of the schedule and the time Mia was scheduled to arrive in the world, we didn't get to reschedule.  So I only got in three of my Four Things last year.  Three is better than none!

This year I'm going bigger.  On the list is knitting (I'm commited to that), riding in/flying an open biplane, getting my real estate license and an unknown.  I begin real estate school on June 29th and I my plane ride just needs to be scheduled.  I'll be sure to take lots of pictures this year.

I don't want to become boring.  I don't want to be just a mom.  I want Jayna to grow up knowing that I was fun and strong and a real person.  I'm not Mrs. Cleaver. :)

Next year I plan to ride in The Hilly Hundred.  I'd better buy a bike, huh?

Any suggestions for that unknown fourth??