This is a rough post for me. I'll warn you right now that if you're squeamish about personal matters or if you intimate details/feelings make you gag, STOP READING HERE.
I...do not like myself. This is difficult for me because I've always had a positive self-image. I do have my days where my butt looks big or I feel like I can't do anything right, but those days pass and I'm back to thinking I'm pretty dang awesome. Well, the past few months have been one LONG ASS day that hasn't passed.
I do not like my body anymore. I was thinking that I would have atleast come to terms by now that it will never be the same. Not that I'd just be happy with the little weight that I haven't lost, just that even when I do lose that weight, my body won't be what it was before pregnancy. I so haven't come to terms with that yet. And I cannot see the light at the end of that long, dark tunnel.
In not liking my body, I do not want anyone else to like it...if you know what I mean. This will eventually cause a strain in my marriage. I do have a very understanding and loving husband, but he'll get frustrated with it in time. I can't even seem to accept a simple compliment from anyone anymore. A "you look nice today" makes me feel uncomfortable. I try to be naked as infrequently as possible. I don't look at myself in the mirror. I would shower with clothes on if I could.
My hair took a beating during pregnancy and breast feeding. It is dry and brittle and it doesn't seem to matter what shampoo, conditioner, leave-in, etc. I use. I haven't gotten in cut or colored in months because I figure why bother? It will still look like crap. Even when I try to make it look nice it looks bad. I have so much new hair growth around my face and neckline and it all just frizzes out. I hate it.
I don't feel like I'm eating more than I was before the Special K diet (which worked until I derailed...it wasn't the diet, it was me) but I seem to be gaining weight. I will use the classic excuse that I have no time to exercise. Even if I went to the gym I'd only be able to be on the treadmill for 20 minutes 2 or 3 times a week. That isn't going to cut it. I am generally busy from the time I get home with Jayna until 8:30 or 9pm. I get up somewhere between 5 and 5:30am so I need to go to bed at a decent time to function. When I would exercise I don't know. Hell, I don't even have time to do things I WANT to do, like scrapbooking. When the hell am I going to do that?? Exercising just seems impossible at the moment.
Money is fairly tight so no new clothes, shoes, etc. I could handle that if the clothes I have would fit correctly. I wear the same clothes over and over because they're easiest and look the least bad. I won't say they look the best because I don't feel like I look my best. I feel old and overweight and ugly. I've NEVER had those feelings before and I'm having difficulty even typing this. I'm so sad.
I know that changes must be made and changes are difficult. I had no idea that I'd be struggling this much a year out from Jayna's birth. I feel like I try and try and try and I get nowhere. I'm not sure what to do differently and I certainly don't know where to start. There is so much that needs changing on top of living my everyday life. What do I do?
3 comments:
Baby steps...you'll get where you want to be...you are a very determined person, always have been!
I am right there with you on this. A co-worker and I are back on weight watchers and I am busting my butt to burn this fat off. My mom's like oh- you gained a little weight while pregnant, HA thats an understatement I was as big as a house! If you want we can get together on the weekends and walk the canal or something. I would walk the mall, but I find when I do that I just spend money and thats a whole different problem. I need to focus on one issue at a time. lol!
Hey-I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. This sounds very similar to a post I recently made myself. I have been struggling with the same issues for a while-especially the whole part about not even wanting to look at your body. It really effects everything. Jake is always trying to make me feel better, but I think he's frustrated with it, too. Anyhow, I think we could really use some girl time to talk about these things. Trouble is-like you said, when is there ever just time?? Well, I happen to have some time coming up. Jake and Sam will be out visiting Jake's parents in the next week, so we should try to get together and talk. I know it's been a while since you posted this, and I hope you are feeling better.
The whole thing with the body changes after pregnancy is that it's not just the weight that changes, it's all sorts of things-hair, muscle tone, skin, things that you can't just change back, and I think it's really hard to face that. Just know that you are not alone.
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