I never WANTED tomorrow to come.

I never WANTED tomorrow to come.  I knew it WOULD come...eventually.  I know it NEEDS to come.  I know.  But I don't have to like it.  And I never will.

Tomorrow I will ride in the car with my beloved Captain Morgan to the veterinary office...and then leave that office....without him.  Without him.  I will leave without him and will never see the physical him again.  Never.

This decision has been the most difficult decision I've ever had a hand in making.  It has been on it's way for some time, as most of you know, but I never WANTED it to be this way.  I don't know exactly how I wanted it, but this definitely wasn't it.

With this decision comes so many conflicting feelings...so many "but" statements.  He's still eating and drinking and going to the bathroom outside, BUT he is in constant pain and can barely walk and sleeps approximately 20 hours out of the day...but never actually "sleeps."  He is only 10.5 years old, BUT he is a large breed dog with not one but TWO breeds of dog that have known hip/joint/dysplasia problems.  THIS ISN'T EFFING FAIR, BUT life rarely is.  We shouldn't make this decision for him, BUT he can't make it on his own. 

We must advocate for him.  We must do what we think we cannot do and ease his everyday, 24 hour a day, pain.  We must.  Because we love him.  Because we don't want him to suffer anymore.  Because the look in his eyes alone when he falls tells me that he...doesn't want to do this anymore.  He is well on his way to giving up.  And I don't want this to progress to that level.

There are multiple falls a day.  Many simply because he can't hold himself up on his nimble and degenerating legs.  Many off the couch as he tries like hell to climb up and just be comfortable for a few minutes.  And many into Jayna, into me, into Chris...and into every wall and piece of furniture we own.  I'm sure if his fur were gone, we'd see more bruises than fleshtone.

I am quite literally losing a member of my family tomorrow...forever.  FOREVER. 

I don't expect you all to sympathize or understand.  He is a dog after all.  But he is a dog that has been a part of my life for almost 11 years.  He is a dog that has protected me time and again from any perceived danger.  He has lifted me up when I have been down.  He has brought more joy to my life than I ever thought possible from an animal. 

Taking him home with me that day 10 years ago was one of the best decisions I've ever made.  And now I must help make a decision that almost blows that one out of the water.  But not really in a good way.

I will miss him for years to come.  I already miss him.  But I just want him to rest peacefully.

And I never WANTED tomorrow to come.