@$*% It Monday

"Can you do that, Danielle? It's only Monday and usually you aren't pissed until Friday. And don't you have a birthday party to blog about instead?"

Why yes, readers, I do have a birthday party to blog about. But I most certainly have something else that I must get off my chest before I write the ever-so-coveted Jayna's First Birthday Party Blog Post (complete with photos, of course).

I figure Monday simultaneously sucks and blows so why not be pissed on Monday and save Friday for margaritas and pedicures, right? RIGHT!! And this will *most definitely* piss off atleast one of you (either because you have a guilty conscience or because I'm writing about you) and you'd all rather be pissed on Monday too, right? RIGHT!! Except the ones I'm writing about don't read my blog, so nevermind...they're "too busy."

I am dropping the dead weight in my life. What exactly is the definition of dead weight? Well, according to thefreedictionary.com:

dead weight or dead·weight (ddwt)
n.
1. The unrelieved weight of a heavy, motionless mass.
2. An oppressive burden or difficulty.
3. Abbr. DW The fixed weight of a structure or piece of equipment, such as a bridge on its supports. Also called dead load.

So, there you have it. "The unrelieved weight of a heavy, motionless mass." Who knew that the definition would perfectly match the description I had in my head? Score one for Danielle on a Monday morning!!

I am officially done with heavy, motionless masses. I've made more room in my cell phone for people who return phone calls and care about people other than themselves. And, as y'all know, once you're deleted from the cell phone, it's officially over. No more drunk-dialing. No more late-night booty calls. No more "I'm sad and no one will talk to me" messages...even though I've done none of those things in years. Well, atleast 5 years. Or so.

I will admit to having occasional slip-ups, as we all do, but I am generally an easy-going all-around good friend. I do forget a birthday every now and then (sorry Amanda) and I do become absorbed in my own life from time to time (sorry everyone who listened to me worry about the birthday party) and I sometimes want to drop off the face of the earth and stay there for a short time (sorry everyone after the miscarriage). Sooo, if you are reading this and are seeking a friend who cares about things other than herself and loves to help people and listen to people and just generally be an awesome friend, send me a comment!! There's plenty of room in the phone now.

I feel so free!! I am now relieved of my heavy, motionless masses! Goodbye, toxic people! I wish you all the best, but you'll never know that...because you won't call or text back and you sure as hell won't read this!! But in the event that you do read this and begin to feel guilty, leave me a voicemail if you call. I won't know it's you since I've erased your phone numbers.

Good day. I said Good day, sir!