Here we go again. I went back and read my post from this day last year about what I was looking back on and what I wanted out of the new year. It's a bittersweet post...mostly because I feel like I'm moving in the right direction, but I'm just not there yet. Wherever "there" may be is beyond me.
I wrote the following about Jayna in last year's post:
"I marvel in her innocence, her sense of discovery, her beauty and her physical, mental and emotional growth on a daily basis. I am simply amazed by her."
That hasn't change one bit. I am still amazed at her ability to learn so quickly and to actually retain what she learns. She is simply amazing. I love her more than words could EVER say.
Sum it up. Sum up an entire year in one word. Last year's word was tumultuous. And that was so incredibly fitting. This year's word is "human." I'm sure you're all so confused by that. Even you, husband. Bear with me.
What comes to your mind when you hear the word "human?" Think of it not as in, "I am a human." Think of it as in, "I am human." Leave out that article "a" and the entire meaning changes, does it not?
At the beginning of 2009, I was Superwoman...or so I thought. I couldn't afford to make mistakes. I had to do everything myself and make sure it was done correctly and I had to be Mom Of The Freakin' Year or I wasn't happy. What did I learn? Even when I *thought* I was doing all those things I still wasn't happy. And over time...little by VERY little...I learned what it REALLY means to be human. Not a human. Just human.
I made mistakes. Boy, did I ever. I did do everything myself, but nothing was done correctly or with any sort of care because I was stretched way too thin. Nothing received the attention that it needed. Not my kid. Not my marriage. Not my job. Nothing. Jack of all trades...master of none. No focus. Yikes.
Merriam Webster defines human as "susceptible to or representative of the sympathies and frailties of human nature." Human nature...well, that can be defined in several ways. You handle that on your own. Some people factor in religion. Some are more philosophical about it. I am a firm believer in the human condition. I do have a degree in philosophy, after all. I won't break out the full-on philisophical mumbo jumbo. I'll spare you. But being human means we make mistakes and we have feelings and we are always searching for something. Those things we could probably all agree on.
I learned what it means to be human. To make mistakes and not reach goals and cry and get angry and sulk. I learned what it means to have an imbalance in my life that is so substantial that I can't handle it alone. I learned that I can't fix everything and that some things don't necessarily need fixing and will work out anyway. I learned lots of lessons the hard way. But when you learn them the hard way, they stick.
I've learned that relabeling things can be helpful. I don't call this denial. I call it dealing. I don't make mistakes anymore. I have learning experiences. I find a lesson (or try to) in everything I screw up. What can I do differently? Where did I go wrong? If I can't answer those two questions then that experience is labeled a non-fixer.
I learned that emotions, no matter how significant or trivial are okay. I still find the humor in everyday life. I really do love life and think it is hilarious. As a parent you MUST laugh. If you don't, you're not paying attention.
I have almost the same general goals as I did last year. So, lets recap and edit:
I have high hopes of getting our finances in strict order so as to save money for a down payment on a new house. I still have hopes of this. Unfortunately, paying off doctor bills and paying down the home equity line of credit that paid for the trailblazer needed to be done before saving for a down payment. And now we're paying a whole new set of doctor bills since Jayna got the tubes.
I seriously want to move. Seriously. I want to find a place that is in fixer-upper condition, but liveable, and move and work to make things the way we want them...and I want to STAY there. We are working on this. Our house will be listed by mid-January. Hopefully the homebuyer's tax credit will help us. We WILL make this work.
I look forward to all that the world has in store for Jayna. She does all the things that I mentioned in last year's post, but there are more things that I look forward to now. She is such as sweet, smart little girl. And I just can't get over how awesome she is.
I asked myself last year if I was being naive. I ask myself again. And the answer is the same: probably. Who knows where we will be next year at this time.
Having an idea of my future helps me sleep at night. Setting concrete goals makes me NOT sleep at night. I need to have a plan even if I change it or don't even follow it at all. More living. Less thinking. I will not make resolutions (see this post). I will only have hope and look forward to things. I'll leave you with my words of wisdom from last year that I have been using as a general rule for living life:
I look forward to the continual growth of my family (mentally, emotionally, spiritually...NOT PHYSICALLY...), the continual growth of myself as I find myself again, better planning, more spontaneity, more forgiveness, less grudges, more quality time instead of quantity time, less hurry-hurry-hurry, less anger, more delight, more patience, less frustration, more smiling, less scowling, more sweet and less sour...and LOTS and LOTS of picture-taking!!
I love you all. You're all wonderfully great in your own little ways. I wish totally awesome things for all of you in 2010. Now drink up!!
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