I can't believe I'm going to post about this. But blogs are for feelings, good or bad. Well, my blog is anyway.
Yesterday was the most horrible parenting day of my 2 year parental life. I got so mad that I left.
Okay...clarification. I was going to have to leave anyway, but I stormed out...and a few minutes early. If I stayed I was going to yell. And throw things. And cry. And yell.
Jayna has decided that she likes peeing in the potty. I'm not sure that she actually 100% ready to be potty trained, but she does like to go in the potty. She has yet to tell us when she has to go, although we do know that she CAN tell us. She knows when she has to go and exercises a great deal of control over her bladder muscles. She's also pooped in the potty twice. We began this journey on Saturday and the most diapers she's gone through in a day is 4. That's down from 8 or 9. It's a start...and we all know that ya gotta start somewhere.
We've also been letting her wear big girl panties over her diaper and telling her that she should tell us when she has to peepee so she doesn't go in her panties. She responds well to that and gets a little upset when she does wet her diaper and you ask her if she peed in her panties. We do not scold her or punish her in anyway, as that seems a little ridiculous, but she does get upset when she pees in her panties.
Yesterday she had 2 wet diapers back to back. I told her that it was okay, but we'd have to stop wearing panties if she was just going to pee in the diaper. And we sang the "Keep Trying" Doodlebops song and all was good. On the third one, I told her that if she was going to pee in her panties that we could just wear diapers. She got super pissed at me. She came over to me and screamed "MOMMY!!" and turned my head away so I wouldn't look at her. She did this several times. She didn't want to be in the same room with me. Didn't want to look at me. Didn't want me to comfort her. That, my friends, was the worst 10 minutes of my life.
When Chris got home, it was time for her to go potty. She wouldn't let me come in the bathroom. I had to go outside because I was so frustrated. I stayed outside for about 20 minutes.
Several fits ensued between this time and the time I stormed out. She throws whiny almost fake fits now and the best way to respond to these is to leave the room and tell her that when she is finished she could come find us. The fit directly preceding my storming out lasted a good 10 minutes. She couldn't catch her breath, but she'd only cry when we weren't in her sight. It finally became clear that she had had enough and needed some comforting. I went and picked her up. I talked to her for a couple of minutes. And then it happened.
Chris said probably the 2 most innocent sentences that have ever caused a person to storm out. He said, "Just sit her down next to me because you need to get ready to leave." I was talking to her about dinner at that moment...trying to distract her from the fit. He then said, "Don't push it, she needs some time to settle down."
That was it. Then I had had it. I said, "I was trying...no. Nevermind. I've gotta get out of here NOW." I kissed Jayna and told her I loved her all the while fighting back tears. And I stormed out. Door slam and all.
And Chris didn't even know what he did.
I've been struggling again with the fact that Jayna may not like me all day everyday. I feel like I should know her best and that I should be NUMBER FREAKING ONE in her book. And I can't control that. And it sucks.
Am I trying too hard? Am I not trying enough? Do I spend too much time doing other things like dishes and laundry and working? Should I be more strict or more lenient? Should I play with her more? These are my everyday brain questions. And I don't know the answer to a single effing one of them.
So, what did Chris do? He stepped on my toes in an intense time of bonding. I didn't care at that moment that it was almost time for me to leave...I was consoling my child. At that moment I was very confident in my parenting ability...and he shot it down with a seemingly very harmless statement of fact. He had no malicious intent. He was simply stating the wrong fact at the wrong time. It made me feel guilty, insecure of myself and my parenting ability and unsure of my relationship with Jayna all at the same time. It's difficult for me to explain, but that's the best I have.
I am not mad at him. I was in that moment. I was frustrated and angry and tired and DONE. I was done. So I stormed out.
We've talked about it. We've dealt with the issue. And I don't plan on making the big storm out a habit.But it was necessary for my sanity and for the innocence of my kid. I won't have a screaming fight in her presence...and Chris didn't deserve that.
Parenting is hard. It's worst days are 50 times worse than non-parenting worst days. But it's rewards far outweigh those worst days.
2 comments:
Oh sweetie...every Mother everywhere feels your pain...I'm welling up with tears from just reading this. I'm so sorry that you had to go through it. It SUCKS! Plain and simple. My kids always wanted each other for comfort, not me and even though they are 25, it's still a sore spot for me.
In the end, I think that we think about it too much and dissect every minute issue to death. Someday, she will be going through this with her kid and you will just want to tell her to relax and worry less...she won't, we never do!
Sending love your way. It will get better (and worse, but mostly better). Try to enjoy it as much as possible.
Oh, hell. That's nothing! I've gotten so mad at Ellie before that I told her that i was leaving, even got in my car, and drove to the end of the driveway. (If you ever do that, though, expect the child to run out of the house after you, and make sure not to back up into them.)
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